Anarchy and Peaceful Protesting
What do I know of life? I have more questions than answers.
What is going on in the world today, the 29th of May, 2020 seems to be so extremely complicated, that solutions seem to be found in justice.
Where is justice? I was told by a counselor that a person doesn’t go to court to get justice, but law.
After going to court more times than any mother should have to, I believe her.
Those in power have no empathy or humanity for human suffering. At least, not from what I’ve experienced. The “law” has erased me from my children’s lives as it handed them over to my former abuser who is using silence as a way to not address family dysfunctions. The “lawmakers” make money and do not care about the natural relations they destroy in the process of following the money trail.
If laws need to change (and I believe they do), and laws are made to be broken (at least, that is what I’ve heard), when does human behavior boil down to an individual’s ability to weather through loss, injustices, and violations of trust and EVER begin to find unity, safety, and peace on earth again?
During this time of yet another brutal death of a man of color who’s “crime” obviously did not merit his death, I am left once again feeling traumatized and dismayed at the behavior of certain white men (and some white women) in our country…and I am dismayed at the behavior of certain minorities as well.
I am an angry white woman. I have been damaged by an angry white man who targeted me. His behavior was a pattern of abuse that involved his sense of “entitlement” due to our “lawful” marriage. He did not treat me as well as he could have, and I was powerless to do anything over his issues and incessant need to be in power and control…over me, his children, his environment and who was and wasn’t allowed to witness our dysfunctional family. We rarely allowed anyone into the house, and when we did, it was “his” selections of people and they tolerated “his” ridiculous macho-man behavior. The local police became involved in our divorce when I, and those concerned about me, called for help. They seemed to side with a fellow “good ol’ boy” and their personal friend and were quite willing to overlook his abusive nature toward me and his children.
I am still damaged from PTSD due to that first twenty-year long marriage. Many people do not understand how trauma can affect a person who has been so grossly mistreated by those in positions of power that I now have dictator issues and have little tolerance for any person who tries to tell me that *I* have issues and there is something wrong with *me*. Yes, I have issues. Everyone has issues.
Some people have faced their issues and some people remain in denial.
Nobody likes to take responsibility for damaging other people. The officer who killed George Floyd is facing the fallout of his actions. Now, our nation is experiencing the fallout of his, as well as a history of other officers, who profile and target minority citizens unfairly. We are watching a fallout of abuse of power.
Trump does not want to take responsibility for other people’s deaths due to his delusional actions regarding the Coronavirus and his slow and poor decision-making process. If the nation elects an old, self-important businessman and narcissistic “showtime” puppet as a leader who places money over lives, votes over lives, his reputation and grandiosity over lives, we should have realized that every “business” eventually closes its doors, and either needs to re-open after changing hands, or it stays closed forever while the “owner” retires and heads of to the Bahamas or to wherever rich moguls like Trump and his legacy disappear. Every business need an exit plan.
If America is all about business and getting back to work while people are mourning and angry, then we are in trouble financially!
When people surge out of control they end up damaging themselves and often the people who they represent and who are there to support them and who are there to help them. Even the CNN building was desecrated! As well as a Black business owner’s building and livelihood!
As a white, middle-aged woman, it is not my fault I received the color of skin or the location of birth I got. As a poor white woman who has been privileged enough to take a risk and get a higher education, believing it would make for a better future for myself, my children, and my community, I have been dismayed and disappointed at the futility I have experienced in the face of those who have turned and attacked me, verbally and physically. A degree in English and Creative Writing is not appreciated where I come from.
Most of the people in my life do not even take the time to READ! They seem to value what they consider WORK! Women renovators are not valued…they are not PAID when they are renovating their own home!
As a hard-working white woman, I have been verbally attacked by my own people. I have been ridiculed, mocked, cursed, screamed at, and used as a verbal punching bag for other people’s emotions and assumptions. I have been raped by my own people and used as a physical punching bag by another person’s inability to control their emotions and rage. I have been threatened by men of my own kind and even violated by white men who believe they can take certain liberties, such as a parting kiss who are quite harmless and charming men. I have forgiven them and have better things to do than go after them to destroy their lives.
I have also been damaged by an angry young woman of color who violently tried to kill me. However, she was out of her mind on some drug and was not a thinking individual. She only spent four days in jail. That’s what MY life is worth. Right?
I also have PTSD from that experience as well. I consider myself a brave woman who can face my fears and overcome them. She is also forgiven. I was trying to help her. They say, “no good deed goes unpunished.”
I am not in prison over my anger at my mistreatment, and the mistreatment of those I see who are not violent criminals or rapists…or sociopaths. I am not in prison for my bad behavior when angry, because I have done my best not to turn my anger and rage toward anyone who does not deserve it, even if they do not respect me. I have no one to channel my anger at except myself and whatever God created humans to be so vulnerable to violence, fear, rejection, drugs, chemicals, and misunderstandings.
I grew up around violence and guns. I grew up around screamers and people on drugs. I grew up around corrupt police officers who targeted some of my friends who were minorities. I’ve lost loved ones who are minorities to drugs and violence. I remember them as beautiful people.
I’m a child that came out of the 60’s. In fact the very same year of the Orangeburg riots in the “black and white” south. I’ve lived my entire life in the same small county where I was born. I’ve lived a half of a century and have seen things change, and now I am watching things repeat themselves. We now have another “black and white” war on our hands.
I have watched “foreigners” and “aliens” come my way from England, California, Denver, and wherever else they came from and bring their issues with them that has impacted my life.
I’ve met many, many lovely people who are peaceful, caring, and kind. Some start out that way and then they later change.
I can forgive the people who are not always peaceful, caring, and kind, because I am a concerned mother and I am hurting. Nobody is ALWAYS peaceful, caring and kind. If they were, they have not been hurt enough in life yet. They have not had enough challenges to overcome. They have not been damaged enough and they might not have any empathy for those who are angry because they have suffered cruel and unusual punishment.
What has been done to minorities in my lifetime alone has been cruel, unusual, and disgusting. I am disgusted.
I am a peaceful anarchist. I am a homicidal pacifist. For every violent thought I have, I have a peaceful thought. For every homicidal thought I have, I have a suicidal thought.
Some days, I don’t believe I belong to this world and it is all I can do to continue to remain calm and not do much more damage than make fun of my own fucked-up mistakes that has somehow kept me alive and out of prison. Why? The children are watching!
I am convinced that most adults are like great big huge screaming babies.