Calm and Stern Manners

Lorrance Herring
3 min readNov 30, 2020
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Are you calm? Good. We’re all happy.

Do you help others calm down? Good. You are necessary.

Can you give people space to have meltdowns? Good. You are wise.

Can you prevent meltdowns? Wow. Do you work for a power plant? Good.

Do you have experience diffusing dangerous situations? Good. Very good.

Are you a mother? Good.

Are you a father? Good.

Have you lived through dangerous situations? Good. So has everyone.

Did you have at least one good parent? Good.

Did you have two good parents? Very good. Excellent. Like you.

Did one of your parents drive you nuts? Can you laugh about it? Very good.

Did one of your parents hurt you? Abandon you? Forget about you?

That is a lie. Human nature is to flee when wolves attack.

Maybe you should be brave. Pick up the phone.

Did your mother ever scare you? Good. Maybe she was scared.

Did your father ever scare you? Good. Maybe he scared your mother.

Maybe, your father is a lion roaming the streets, seeking whom he can devour.

Maybe, your mother is a panther, doing what is instinctual. Or, drug induced.

Do you know people who are not scary? Good. You have arrived.

Welcome Home. Maybe you could take some time to think.

Put your mom in a nutshell. Your dad in a teacup.

Now crack open your mom and pour boiling hot water over your dad.

Next roast your mom until she laughs as she lays in the sun,

in a tanning bed, or in the arms of your fake-n-bake dad.

Imagine her in the arms of more men than your family tree has branches.

Imagine men as eye-candy for sweet little girls to enjoy.

All to themselves. Some sweet little girls learn to share slowly.

Fuck. There’s so many people who want what you have.

Thieves who will steal your entire world. Your entire life’s work.

Now, imagine you in your mom’s arms as an innocent baby. Both smiling.

Hearts brimming with joy and amazement. Gazing into the eyes.

Straight into the heart of God. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

An eternity of love and shit, laughter and shit, and all kinds of glorious shit.

Are you stern? Good. Continue on. Smile and be sweet about it.

Are you sweet? Good. Stay fresh, unspoiled, and amazing.

Are you polite? Good. I know people who are NOT.

Are you respectable? Good. I know people who are NOT.

Are you clean? Good. I know people who are NOT.

Are you educated? Good. You can read.

Are you reading this? Good. I know people who are NOT.

Are you good? Good. Now, chin up. I love you.

Since before you were born. I tell your mom the same thing.

I tell myself the same thing. Your mom tells me the same thing.

Your mom also tells me that she misses your voice, your smile,

your giggle. You still giggle, right? What’s wrong with you?

Shits and giggles. That’s what little girls are made of.

Except for that bitch and that bastard.

You don’t like those words? I’m sorry. I didn’t invent them.

I was just coached and groomed, educated and streamlined

to use them. You are NOT a “bitch” or a “bastard”!

YOU are a sexual human being. So, deal with it.

Have fun. Be safe. Be loving. Be respectful. Part with smiles.

Part with looking forward to MORE!



Lorrance Herring

Oregon born, Bardass Poet, Bat-Shit Crazy Stand-Up Comedian, Entertaining Social Activist, Mamadadaist Artist of 8 kids, Weirdo Wonder Woman, Narc Researcher