Dear God,

Lorrance Herring
4 min readJun 20, 2018


Thank you for giving me your permission to use you, along with everything and everyone YOU created in our creative writing and comedy. You created the whole mess in my mind and in this world to begin with, so whatever. I must do my best not to offend anyone who associates themselves with being either human or android; aliens or Nephilim. Or, dogs. You told me I would be able to dance among wolves and fear no evil.

So far, so good. Wolves are scary dudes, but most of them have good hearts deep down inside. The scariest ones look like harmless sheep with big noses and hairy chests.

I know we made an agreement that even if you call me names, and if our children call me names, I can know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you still love me, because you told me so. I heard you say it with my own ears. You also said it in front of witnesses.

You said it in front of my earthly husband, another woman, and another man. They are all my brothers and sisters, they all love me as do you. Differently, but the same.

So, there you were in all of your Godly Glory, just sitting at the head of the table and declared that we loved each other. My mouth dropped along with my stomach. To hear God, in the flesh, say such a thing was like a gut-punch. I’m sure you meant the generic agape, phileo, or estorge sort of love. God could only mean such kind of kindred love. God never has ANY sex!

Especially with someone like me, who is NOT God’s type!

Therefore, I thought I would let you know that that moment left me profoundly speechless for the rest of my life. Just knowing that God loves me enough to come along in the flesh and tell me so was a miracle! Who needs sex ever again after that? I can now die happy.

You still smell like a dog. It’s a good thing I like dogs. I also like cats and guinea pigs. And chickens.

Thank you for chickens. If you ever want some eggs I can pass along a dozen or so to you next time you stop by for a cup of coffee.

I heard it’s a rat race out there and the rats are winning. What do they win? First dibs on spreading the Good News? I know Good News when I hear it!

Thank You, God, that we eradicated the Black Plague and most Nazi mentality. I saw a homeless woman waiting for the bus the other day with half of her feet missing due to her skin getting infected and turning black. It gave me a small scare. It looked very Black Plague-ish. I am sure you send certain people my way just to freak me out on a regular basis.

Like the woman in the purple sweater who told me that purple was the color of royalty and then said it was the Fuhrer’s color. What the fuck!! Fuhrer??

I know color theory a whole lot better than Hitler ever did. I also know how the Phoenicians derived purple dye from the seashells and how Jezebel was a Phoenician Princess. No one wants to piss off a Jezebel! She’ll go after your eyeballs!

I told that woman that we are ALL Royalty! Our blood is blue inside of us, when it hits air it turns red. If you mix blue and red together, you get purple! However, once blood hits the ground it turns brown and makes the ground cry out for peace!

We should already know enough about the rainbow and the promise of peace so that we no longer have to go to war to prove that we are ALL Royal Fucktards! You, God, taught me that! Thank you for that lesson.

Maybe the Pied Piper of Hamlin will appear and lead our children all to safety where hearts and feet will be healed and we can all dance and twirl on the dance floor together? I do like dancing with you, even if you are an Atheist and don’t believe in yourself like I do.

Someday, the whole world will know that God’s name rhymes with sex, and that God smells like a dog, but he’s still love-able and cute, like a little puppy. God mostly just wants to be fed and watered and taken on walks.

Back rubs and quietly falling asleep in a woman’s lap while laying on the couch by a fire is also good.

I’m sure on some planet in some dimension, even Adolf Hitler and Charles Manson would have loved to have a peaceful evening reading Mother Goose in front of a fire with Jezebel, an African American, a Christian, a Jewish Rabbi, Mother Theresa, Trump, Jong, a Hell’s Angel biker and the Queen of England and Shakespeare by a vegan candle, after drinking pure water from the well of LIFE, Liberty and FORGIVENESS for ALL!

Love, Woman A.K.A. Goddess



Lorrance Herring

Oregon born, Bardass Poet, Bat-Shit Crazy Stand-Up Comedian, Entertaining Social Activist, Mamadadaist Artist of 8 kids, Weirdo Wonder Woman, Narc Researcher