Dear Santa, Please Save Dr. Fauci

Lorrance Herring
31 min readDec 22, 2020
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Dear Santa,

Please save Dr. Fauci since he saved Christmas and the ever-changing traditions of America!

Especially since Baby Jesus seems to be busy trying to save all the delusional Baby Christians who are overlooking some important character qualities when it comes to who and what they believe is God’s wisdom and expression of love and tolerance.

So Santa, (and Baby Jesus, too…although you’ve already been decimated enough by what was done to you and your mom), could you PLEASE forgive those “know-nothings” who are busy worshipping Trump and following his “Hollywood” ways of being a rich, schmoozy, butt-ugly pussy grabber who plays golf while people are dropping like flies?

I mean, I know we’d probably ALL enjoy living above reality for as long as we can sustain it, until reality smacks us on the butt and we realize we are either surrounded by dangerous, delusional, drugged humans who don’t even know what planet they’re on, much less what state they are in, or exactly who they are attacking or WHY?

Just imagine…if everyone stopped attacking each other and just calmly listened to each other while respecting differences and not feeling a need to make everyone “conform” to one certain dogma, but allowed “infidels” to live peacefully amongst “orthodox” among “progressive” among “traditionalists” and among blatant “Atheists” and sacrilegious “Agnostics” and bizarre “Aliens” and “Zombies” and everything in between the alphabet that includes the letters LGBTQ …we might have an entire world that looks like a Friday night at “Church of the Eighties” full of theater performers!

Where, aside from a few “bad apples” who don’t play nice, it is usually a very fun, light-hearted venue for dancing out all the world’s wiggles…and just letting go of the future worries as we remember the carefree days when everybody was going to live forever…even your favorite obscure fictional characters because in the end that’s what we basically ALL are…isn’t that right, Santa?

Are we ALL heroes in “someone’s” eyes at some point? And, isn’t it very, very, very easy to spin a triangle and end up as a villain in “someone else’s” eyes? And, in the end, when everyone falls “victim” to a disaster that no one can stop…and I’m not just talking teenage hormones…I mean like a potential collision course with destiny where being a true “hero” looks like cruel and unusual punishment worse than anything else so far…the thought of an innocent child contracting a disease they did NOTHING to deserve, while an old evil, vile, and decrepit old man is kept alive at everyone else’s expense?

Yep. No way in HELL would I want to travel on the Titanic with Trump on board…I already know what his level of “heroism” would look like…God save Trump! Everyone else from the “swamp” can be locked below decks to keep them from even having a chance to survive….So, Santa, I know someone challenged God by saying “even God couldn’t sink the Titanic”…and so what happens?

Santa, I’m sure if we all behaved badly like Trump, the entire world would be in a pandemic right now like it pretty much was when I was a little girl, afraid of making an unforgiveable mistake that was horrifying.

Like accidentally causing someone to die. Or purposefully causing someone to die. Or not being able to help someone you love as they take off into life maybe not as prepared as you’d like them to be for some of the crap they might face aside from natural disasters and underlying health conditions.

Santa, I’m sorry but when I was a sweet Sunday School teacher, teaching children about the love and mercy of God, I prayed for a young mother to be saved, even to the point of the destruction of her flesh, for the saving of her soul…she died from a drug overdose shortly there after…I know the Bible says that the prayers of the righteous are powerful and effective…so, I’m sorry I have a guilt complex, and I should have NEVER prayed that way, even if the pastors were leading the prayer circle.

Santa, sometimes I think Jesus was right… “Forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

So, can you tell these hyped-up zealots that Dr. Fauci AND Dr. Ms. Morthan Ukanhandle wants them all to take a chill pill, please? Have no fear!

It was confirmed that Jesus is on the earth RIGHT NOW in female form! I heard that from some sweet evangelists from South Korea…so, THAT’S also a confirmation of WHY Jesus appeared so feminine and at the mercy of a bunch of blood-thirsty legalists who would probably kill Jesus for having long hair and cavorting with “homeless, uneducated, sinners”…the kind that most “Christians” walk by and treat as if they carried the plague or lice, or should be gathered up and put in a “work camp” with the other “lepers” and “traumatized, marginalized, and rejected” dredges of society….largely created by our very government ran by bunch of Christian “winners” …no WONDER we have such a time warp gap going on right now!

History really DOES repeat itself….it’s just HOW do we want the relationship between Santa and Jesus to look once we introduce them to the Grinch and the ghosts of Christmas past? Or even a godless lawyer? I can’t for the LIFE of me imagine what kind of “righteousness” certain people possess when living by their version of the “Golden Rule”…abuse women and then take the “silence is golden” approach? Traumatize children and then take the “I don’t know why they have a hard time talking about their experiences as they get pushed around by a bunch of bullies…maybe you should talk to their mother ALL about it? She can tell you ALL about speech therapy sessions, and emotional therapy sessions, and all the seminars, classes, and books she read while trying to “fix” a narcissist!

Impossible! We have a world FULL of delusional dick worshippers!

In fact, Santa…if the Feds come knocking on my door looking for Mother Goose, can you tell them she was murdered by Rex the Dog last month, but not to worry, because I have my team of assassins to take out all the bad guys…and my assassination brownies haven’t killed anyone yet, so if you know of anyone who loves fairy tale characters and wants to give this little Mother Goose a job as a comedian, I sure could use some way to pay back my debt for EVER making fun of Old Mother Hubbard as a teenager or my English-born Highly Sensitive husband who’s “proper” mother placed her eggs in several baskets…if you know what I mean.

But, NO condemnation from ME, Santa, Baby!! I don’t care if my MIL called herself and her own namesake a “slut” from England…first of all, “independent woman making her own choices and decisions about protecting her vagina adventures” sounds much more palatable, even if “slut” is the English buzz word, next to “slattern”…like a Freudian Slip…like “if the shoe fits wear it…and at least hold your head up high, dear, you have earned the honor of being called “desirable is a sexual way”….proceed with caution!

I’m the REAL DEAL Santa! I’m a REAL mother with a REAL story of heartache and misunderstandings of the truth of certain experiences of motherhood, husbandry, and the art of animal keeping and labeling people with FUN and FUNNY names! Especially names other people picked out. I even helped out “Tiny Tim” a small man named Timothy who really needed a mother to take better care of him than what he had experienced in life as a child! Poor Tiny Tim! Poor, Poor, Tiny Tim…

Santa, I still worry about him and his sweetheart.. they both have so much PTSD and health issues, I don’t know WHO or WHAT will ever “fix” their situation…I can’t adopt them since they are adults…but inside they are like scared little kids afraid of fireworks because it reminds them of gun fire…and I know the feeling. I grew up around the corner from a police department and my childhood home, bereft of Christmas, had guns all over and very strict rules to follow…kind of like the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Knowledge is a powerful tool. I prefer to use that as a weapon instead of violence.

And, I don’t like to be incited to violence by someone telling me I don’t know what I’m TALKING or WRITING about just because they are living behind the times…repeating human patterns, not researching how and where and WHEN to change them.

What can ANY of us do to change laws that supposed to keep us “safe” to enjoy a future…when we have NEVER felt THAT secure about our present and how much of a future we even have left to accomplish relationship miracles!

So, Santa…if YOU are a bridge between “Paganism” and “Secularism” that embraces concepts of women leaders, open relationships, people with creative “disabilities” to cope, and the “Christian” straight and narrow-minded monotheistic, monopolizing, singular-focused Minotaur dictators and televangelists who cherry pick their belief system, just like my dad and his sacred prophet did, then YIPPEE!

Thank you for pulling off Snow White…although I almost think God had something to do with that as a reward for putting Satan up for nine months…talk about a difficult assignment for an angel like me to take on!

But, you’re all very welcome! He wasn’t as bad as it sounds living with him…I think my siblings and children sort of prepared me…or maybe it was the U of O that gave me the opportunity to read Milton AND psychology…and the amazing and powerful things that can happen when you begin claiming who and what YOU are just to play…regardless of what “normal” people are…

Sometimes, it’s not easy being a hysterical poet and a historical satirist who “throws” her stories at the world! Some people don’t like my stories…and they don’t HAVE to! It’s still MY story and MY crazy experiences dealing with screwed-up humans!

So, I am magical, and fairy tale names just keep coming my direction! I knew if I just hung in there, there’d be some GOOD news on the horizon that I can SHARE with everybody and shout it from the rooftops!

It’s a Christmas Miracle that Santa is still with us!

I thought he might bail like some of the people I’ve met who I “thought” were more reliable…so, how can *I* be reliable if the people I count on to be there for me as a helpful support system, actually move, die, or just embrace cowardice and greed (nobody wants to go into court and help defend an imperfect person who can admit imperfection and is at LEAST not adding to the chaos in society anymore than when everyone patted me on the back and encouraged me to act like a religious nut on a mission to take over the entire world for the Kingdom of God! That takes time and time is money in a self-centered workaholic’s life).

I even know a bright little mermaid named Melody and she’s going to be thrilled to know that Santa is alive and healthy like she is, and she can continue to enjoy sticking grandma in jail forever, and ever, and ever for not performing “Paw Patrol” and “Let It Go” correctly….because if that’s the WORST thing she can ever think of me while she is having fun learning how to become either a police officer or a movie director for a made for television, real life sit-com, (which feels like my life), then I’ll sit in jail forever and wait to get to finish my story with my youngest son about how to fight a war with FLOWERS instead of bullets and deadly weapons!

So, thank you GOD, or Jesus, or my parents, or whoever directed me toward the study of satire and theater WHILE I was busy getting traumatized by real life and a real life theater on the streets full of bad actors…because MY life is full of IRONY! Or, at least my brain is wired that way.

So, Santa, in MY reality you’ve been reduced to a man in a costume who needs an extra job to pay his rent or child support!

And, in MY reality Mother Goose, Chicken Little, Dr. Ms. Morthan Ukanhandle, Busted Skanks, THE Anti-Christ, Posi-Christ, and the Red Herring for the “bad guy” could also use a role that makes a lot of extra money…I know it sounds fishy, but Santa…I was brought up by a poor fisherman…and I am supposed to cast my net upon the waters to see who gets caught and harvested and placed into my Book of Life.

You are in MY book of life! What would life be without Santa? I can tell you. You learn to look forward to the apocalypse and the end of ALL humanity. That is NOT a fun place to be. I know some people who are like that! Some of them claim to be loving Christians…which doesn’t make a lick of sense to ME, even though there ARE those days after a lifetime of dealing with liars, storytellers, and identity thieves.

Santa, I am pretty certain I have been a victim of hackers, and I have had my identity stolen from me. I have been replaced by a different version of me and the only thing I have as proof that I ever existed in the past is a pile of pictures and papers…and the children I can’t forget about who somehow became a part of the entire knotted and twisted dream that somehow got stolen by someone else while I was trying to make sense of nonsense!

Santa, I always thought that if you wanted a family you are supposed to birth your OWN…not steal another mother’s when she already lost the dream of a happy marriage with a loving partner! So, Santa…some people are Scrooges and stingy beyond belief…that is WHY we have all these wonderful stories with MORAL lessons attached to them…right?

So, Santa…you will likely live longer than I do, or possibly even God or Jesus, depending on how well “Godly Soldiers” continue to represent them.

So, if you have a job opening for my growing children to make a lot of money, or at least enough to be happy, remain healthy, have some vacations and time alone with the person or people of their special preferences…someday, a fun career that pays well that doesn’t harm other people might be on their Christmas wish list. Can you make sure you help them in the future if they ever need help and there’s no family nearby to lend a hand? Can you remind them that the entire EARTH was designed to be one big helpful family and if they pray to as many powers as possible, they might be amazed at what happens!

So Santa, I know you are more into flying reindeer instead of the flying horse you used back when you were a Spanish Bishop named Sinterklass…and I know the Greeks had a fixation on birds, like many of us mere mortals do. We all want to be angels and fly away with other angels and leave the demons to their own devices…“birds of a feather flock together” and sometimes angry birds can get their feathers ruffled in a pecking order when they get pecked to death until they’re molting!

So, I have been an “angry bird”…but, I prefer to be a Phoenix. Beauty from ashes! The oil of JOY for mourning and the garment of PRAISE for the spirit of heaviness…which oddly comes from playing the role of the “Martyr”…while everyone else is also playing the role of the “Martyr”…even if the REAL Martyrs are the chickens who gave us eggs and had their heads chopped off to feed my sacrificial brood of chicks and chickadees, oddly I was judged harshly for that as well. I guess it is questionable to own backyard chickens in Oregon…even though my parents did, and their parents before them.

So, Santa, I AM a “silly goose”…my own Mother told me so! She said life was for the birds! So, I became a hippie chick with my head in the clouds! I flew away and met some REAL lost boys and some REAL pirates and some REAL live, walking talking characters right out of all the Fairy Tale books I grew up with! It’s literally CRAZY and INSANE over here in Oregon, where we all live in a magical forest left over from long ago.

Right here where I live in the here and now…in this magical year of 2020 when ALL of our dreams end up coming true in bits and pieces as we look back on them over time and stitch a story together that sounds fantastical but are TRUE with a bit of a unique perspective from more than one side of the story of humanity…even the scary stories you had as a child manifesting on the news and in sit-coms. Odd how what a person focuses on grows…like children and their imaginations!

I know I am going on and on and you have just as many children to listen to as Jesus and God, and every other “power” out there, but I am SO excited to get to write you a Christmas letter! You likely won’t find a bigger fan of fairy tales than ME! I believe in ALL of them! I believe in the stories from Scandinavia AND England AND the Middle East AND Africa and China…and even the ones from Italy and Greece!

Once upon a time is my FAVORITE way to begin a story! Even a story about monsters…like flying sharks and Trumpsters filling up dumpsters. Monsters who drain the “swamp” of all the monsters who are tired of being called monsters when they just don’t want to be afraid they might die because they are black, or female, or gay, or bi-sexual, or Queer or “atypical”, or “obsessives” or outspoken and powerful in their determination to be recorded SOMEHOW for the warning and betterment of future “victims” of certain behaviors that might actually BE impossible to change if certain patterns are infused in our DNA. So, Santa…it’s fun to mix up science with fantasy, and magical realism eventually just becomes real…like REAL magic! Or, REAL miracles…either way…I’ve recently had a few prayers answered so, my “faith” in humanity is slowly being restored…

As I avoid potential dangers at the hands of unthinking adrenaline-filled screaming banshees who might be better off placed in a straight jacket since they chose the route of being a danger to society and law-abiding citizens who certainly don’t INTEND and SET OUT to perpetrate trauma onto others, but who also can’t just be sexually violated by a man, screamed at by a bunch of teenagers, and then tackled to the pavement by a random woman and just SHUT UP about it!

I would think I should be allowed an opinion if delivered calmly and with positive intentions…even if my opinion includes the word “shit”…MY children are ALLOWED to say shit…and if they need to throw up, they are ALLOWED to throw up if they feel sick. If they need to “vomit” their emotions all over the world so they don’t feel alone, then they SHOULD live in a world where they can safely express their thoughts and emotions and be RESPECTED and AVLUED for their contributions…so long as everyone is SAFE and even at a safe distance if needed.

THAT’S MY WISH EVERY YEAR!!! Every DAY of every year!

So Santa, don’t make me vomit all over you…or your floor…I’m a grown woman and I know EXACTLY what ran through your head the last time I sat on your lap before the pandemic when you visited the Vet’s Club in Oregon! You are a sweet, older, grandpa looking man…but put some ice on it…and, don’t be a creepo…if you want to look sexy, at least put an eye-patch on and look like a pirate who’s going to give everyone their “Good Ship Lollipop” dreams of having it ALL and ALL at once!

From my unique perspective, I’m about as real as you are, Santa Claus…and Jesus…and the adults who taught me everything I know about everything I know about Santa Claus, Jesus, and the Knights of the Round Table…Sacrifice. Hard Work. Clean up the poop and the vomit as an act of LOVE…and you don’t make your children feel guilty because of YOUR issues with people who expect a “perfect” family because that’s what MOTHERS do…suck it up, get to work, give all the glory to God, Jesus, the Father, and the NEW stepmother!

Now THAT’S something to write home about, Santa! How many Martyrs do you know who allowed others to strip them of EVERYTHING sacred in order to discover the truth of what is TRULY sacred…and it isn’t some dead “prophet” or “warrior” or “dictator”…it is your mother’s vagina! Without your mother’s vagina, you would have never been welcomed into the world. Sounds like a weird ritualistic game of love and romance just to get you here…but, even Santa’s parents had to have done the “deed”…but, when you are set free…you are FREE indeed to do good deeds and plant loving seeds in order to grow your own “unique” garden or Atrium…or small village. You can even use a Village Idiot to play the part of the Village Idiot or the Village Storyteller.

Once upon a time there was a little girl who disappeared…into history. A little boy did as well. Nobody really knows what happened. Maybe they fell into a deep well as they went up the hill to go on a picnic with some magical Kool-aid that contained a powerful lie in its love potion formula and it made all the world just float away for a moment…just for a moment. Not forever. They’ll come back and the hill will still be there…they might look like one of their children or grandchildren…and the sunset will be just as lovely, the colors just as pink and rosy, the roses will smell just as sweet and lovely as ever, and for a moment…just a moment…like Christmas with your little children…the world will stand still and beautiful.

Then, it will start spinning again as a bunch of insane people expect you to be and do EVERYTHING like some flippin’ Goddess flippin’ pancakes, waffles, and hammers…flippin’ houses…flippin’ fingers…and telling certain people to take a flippin’ flying leap for blaming MOM for wanting to escape…when DAD was the one who got to go get his jollies off…and if you got to live long enough…and you got to move out on your own

They are likely enjoying a harem as a reward in the “happy hunting ground” of the after-life.

But, real people who mysteriously disappear leaving behind a dead person is an old mystery that nobody really cares about anymore…way too common to be sensationalized in the news or anything when the people are “nobodies”…

So, Santa, I already know writing to you is like writing to my congressman to complain about Trump, my dad’s generation and the weather…or like writing to my ex, asking him to relent and let me talk to our children freely so I can make sure they are doing alright and nobody is abusing them behind an “iron curtain” of complete, dead silence. How do you “force” someone to be loving and kind, Santa?

Santa, times are changing and we have brand new issues to deal with, such as a whole new generation of young people who want a safe and hopeful world to live and exist in…where they can learn to play nicely and have safe sex….where young virgin “Madonnas” AND old divorced “Whores” live in the same households and get along great with young Masters and old Master-Manipulators who have been caught red-handed at gas lighting practically an entire county, not to mention a country!

Santa, when will men make up their minds about what kind of women they want on this complex earth…Brutes? Or that classic, “lady in the streets but a slut between the sheets”?…who, of course, would belong ALL to them…because…life is GOOD! Especially, before you get old enough to be called a bunch of words you don’t know whether or not is meant to be nice or derogatory…

Santa, did president Trump really mean to call little girls like ME “nasty” when WE are the backbone and fabric that makes America as GOOD as it gets? I never realized as a young girl what kind of vile, evil country I lived in that would call women names and be shocked when we learn to sling crass words right back in an equal “gift” exchange!

Santa, you are the one who came up with that idea, right? I’m not too sure if God is into equality or not…because I seem to keep getting tossed under the crazy bus every time I talk to people who don’t understand hierarchy of powers between adversarial individuals. It’s almost like a “one good turn deserves another” and if you treat a woman like a dog…you might end up with a…pissy cat!

Santa, Baby! Hurry down the chimney and remind me that it is a COMPLIMENT to be called ANY name and understand it…that means you are alive and intelligent, which should be a COMPLIMENT…like a royal roasting!

Santa, I admit there are days when I admire those women who are more of a cruel-hearted bitch than I am. They don’t have a problem with it if they make money at it…I guess they can “afford” it.

So, Santa I’m too busy calming my fears down over people who have tried to kill me while out in public…and calming my rage down to a calm simmer at being “criminalized”, taken advantage of, and traumatized while held against my will.

And my rage at being coerced into signing away my rights to my children’s ability to have a balanced and HEALTHY concept of who they are and who their MOTHER and their father are…not just one whacked-out side told by a man who is hiding from his own childhood fears of women and his own aggression towards them when they don’t serve his every wish like…YOU!

I wish I could be YOU, Santa! I wish I could be Jesus and the Easter Bunny! I was trying to be the tooth fairy and the fairy godmother…and the elves…and the soccer mom, and the trophy wife to a WINNER! Yep. He’s the Rooster and I’m the Mother Hen in Empty Nest Syndrome, all by myself playing with my lost marbles, Peter Pan, Wendy, Tinkerbell, Captain Hook, the booty below, and the Orinoco Flow as I let down my sails and remain as calm as possible while the shitstorms blow all around me that cause my mouth to drop in shock.

I am sure, with all your decades of granting wishes, heart’s desires, you have heard some doozies! You have probably heard everything from dollies, to Barbie dolls, to Christian sex toys!

This year, I’d like to have world peace and good will toward MEN!

Why? Because they NEED it…

Santa, I’m sick of hearing women speak to me about how they want their life back, they are sick of men who are dicks, and they want a different dick attached to a nicer personality who believes in women as EQUALS…Gander for Goose treatment.

And Santa, I’m sick of women who allow their fears to turn them into jealous bitches, or cruel bitches, or just freaky hermits who never smile or talk because men and life has depressed and disappointed them beyond belief.

So, Santa…I’ve never really asked you for anything because I was taught that YOU were a lie, but Jesus was the truth…then, I learned that even Jesus wasn’t “perfect”…I discovered a few glitches in the logic and reasoning of his character and his behaviors.

I’m not sure how other people were brought up, but I was told to fast and pray when upset and God would hear my pleas and He would not turn his mercy away from a broken and contrite heart…so, my heart was broken in court and I was humbled in front of a judge who said some of the MOST ridiculous statements I’ve ever heard come from a judge’s mouth!

So, I went home and did some MORE fasting and praying…and what happens? A plague! I guess when *I* pray, shit starts to happen and random people begin to keel over…so, if *I’m* in a panic and can’t see my kids while I worry myself sick over them, and run around in a futile attempt to reach their ever-growing distant hearts…I am not certain if absence makes the heart grow fonder…or just harder to thaw out.

So, I am done fasting and praying…I’m pretty certain my primal scream therapy done in the safety of my bathtub cracked open Heaven and woke God AND “Sleepy Joe” up a little…combined with everyone else’s anguish, it only makes sense that something weird is going on…like “Something Wicked This Way Comes”…maybe Ray Bradbury’s spirit and all the other spirits are still on the earth and haven’t gone anywhere except into a new human…that sounds logical right now…but scarier than shit if that means the spirit of Hitler will NEVER get off the earth….or the spirit of Mao…or Jung…or Putin…or the Pope…or Satan…or Jesus…or the poor…you know, the poor in spirit? The depressed and downtrodden who turn toward whatever is legal to try and feel better?

Santa, did you know that in the “church” philandering and cheating is frowned upon but forgive-able…the philanderer will be welcomed back into the “fold” to continue his pattern of “praying” on little secular side dishes while his devoted puritan escapes his abuse anyway she can…even if the only escape is going through hell in order to get even just a glimpse of Heaven on earth…

Yet, if the Lamb of God grows a few spikes and thorns and the only thing left to serve is a restraining order, then it becomes VERY eye-opening to discover in the “state” extra-marital activities between two consenting adults is legal and has NO bearing in court cases involving the demise of the once upon a time monogamous marriage that was supposed to be “safe” and “secure”…what a joke.

So, now that Dr. Fauci has made certain to keep Christmas “safe” and “secure” for all the worried little children who haven’t met Jesus or God in the eyes of someone who threatens to end their life and they MEAN it, I am THANKFUL for also reassuring mothers like me that yes, humans do tell children lies in order to protect them for as long as possible from as many traumas as possible.

I mean, WHY traumatize and “toughen up” delicate flowers to begin with when they have barely begun to blossom? Santa, can you also put in a good word for Mother Theresa? I know she was a Catholic and all, and the anti-christ is supposed to come out of the Vatican with an evil agenda of a one world order and one world power, but there seems to be SO many people who have been sexually traumatized and abused in the Catholic Church…they probably don’t have ENOUGH wine to wash away the stains of their transgressions against innocent children.

WHY make women so “tough” they want to act and talk like men…they want to impress men with their strength, their prowess, their wit, their beauty, their good hearts toward the broken and downtrodden like Lucy has on the Peanuts cartoon.

Like that one veteran I’ll call “Lucy” because she is lucid and has likely seen the light more times than I have without getting her lights punched out who said she’d kill for a good Philly Cheese Steak sandwich…when the entire table knew she was NOT talking about a sandwich, but a New Yorker she has a special attraction toward…

and when she told me she wasn’t opposed to cannibalism, I assumed she meant in a situation involving dire straights, like a Donner Party fiasco of rare and hardly ever experienced migration stories , or of the two starving mothers in the Bible when their walled city was under siege. I don’t know, maybe she was trying to impress ME and she didn’t succeed, since I already had dealt with some “crazies” who mentioned all sorts of atrocities and war crimes, including cannibalism, rape, and killing people.

So, THANK you, Santa, for sending me some friends who are SAFE, but just clever and satirical like YOU and Jesus, who have a dark sense of humor after seeing the light and becoming enlightened.

I am SO excited to know that you are going to be okay forever along with Jesus and everyone who’s ever lived, even the ones who were made up and not real…like the characters I made up who are not real, but who are based on real characters and their mixed up character qualities…like a human who can talk about the love of Jesus and the love of grabbing ass and pussy at the same time as his wife is delivering a speech stolen from the last First Lady…now THAT”S something to write home about!

Trump and his psychology seems to exemplify everything that Jesus taught against in the Bible…pride, ignorance, greed, evading taxes, violating women, encouraging violence, NOT loving your neighbors or half the country who can see a deranged narcissistic dictator when they compare Trump to the men who have said all sorts of “wild” things to remain in a position of power. Some people enjoy the fantasy of being powerful SO much, that they lose sight of how to lose graciously or at least with an ability to rejoice in being a “loser” so other people can have the chance at being the “winner”…just like how LIFE works!

THAT”S an amazing story! That alone is like a fairy tale of the cherry on top variety, and we all LOVE a story that makes our eyes get big as we listen to it with shock and wonder at the horror of it all!

Especially when it ends with a happy ending…like a happy family with successful and well-adjusted children who are mature and can laugh at sex and cuss words and the ridiculous stories we tell each other to make ourselves feel better about being a human that stinks sometimes.

So, Santa…you’ve had a few rocky patches yourself, I hear. Sorry about the suggestion to hand the uniform over to your assistant Black Pete, but we’ve waited a looong time for a black Santa, and a pirate Santa, and even for old men to grow out their beards…damned! I never realized that it only takes about 70 years to resurrect someone who has existed since storytelling first began. That explains why there are still so many Jesus Christs and long haired carpenters and there are STILL groups of people who will band together and try and reject a person who is an outcast, just like they did to Jesus, and just like they’ve done to me.

Santa, can you please get ahold of Belle and see if she’s still into transforming beasts back into princes? And, if that is something that ONLY happens in fairy tales, can you explain to the radicals that just because YOU hold a certain “prophet” sacred, other cultures may NOT!

Even the crucifix was placed in a bottle of holy pee and I’m pretty sure no radical Christian chopped the offensive artist’s head of for peace-loving Buddha’s sake! I’m pretty sure the Creator of the entire cosmic universe can handle a little humor in a bottle without anyone losing their head over it!

And, if a man is a bastard, it’s not his fault. It just might mean that his mother gave birth to him outside of wedlock. No big deal. Even Baby Jesus was a bastard! He was just approved of by God, not a bunch of cruel, angry Jewish men. Be a decent bastard who isn’t afraid of a few names that you and your bloodline brought over here to begin with along with the history of producing the best “cunts in Christendom” since at least the 1600's.

And, Santa, can you please let those Orthodox Jews who threw pee on little girls a while back who just wanted to go to school and become educated, that throwing your piss all over a child could be considered and act of terrorism and an attempted murder? I’m pretty sure any decent, loving Father figure full of justice and wisdom would agree that some humans are just vile creatures who SHOULD know better…

Santa, Jesus, and Dr. Fauci ( or anyone else full of power and clout) PLEASE answer my prayers and allow me to have time with my long-lost children who are all out pursuing dreams of finding someone who will love, respect, and cherish them like they DESERVED from the beginning! Just like I did. Just like we all still DO!

No matter what our age we should feel safe and loved…no matter our gender, income, race, religion, politics, non-violent consensual sexuality or compatible interests and world-views.

Santa, please tell THAT to the judge who judged me and some other women in Oregon waaaaay too harshly for the “crimes” of trying to keep our children SAFE from aggressive men who just might be living a lie…who might have more animosity toward women that they show in front of others, because they just might be afraid of a woman’s abilities to defend HERSELF in front of GOD, Santa, Satan, and her own children if given an opportunity to tell the TRUTH!

If an aggressive woman is matched with an aggressive man and they want to duke it out in a fist fight…I guess to each their own, but no thank you! Some women were meant for ballet and some are into boxing. I hope my children protect their heads from brain damage! If two women want to go at it in a cat fight…best of luck! I’m not into being punched to death over something that the person might not even remember what instigated the delusional attack or what exactly they wanted other than the animalistic predatory urge to fight or attack the “other mother”…I am NOT your enemy…I do my best not to run around making “enemies”…but, Santa…I guess the faster way to make an “enemy” is to speak badly about something or someone they hold as sacred and “perfect” or at least “acceptable” and “pleasing”…

No matter how much they take away from you with their words and actions…even your identity and your sense of reality. You CAN determine to take the highest road you are able to in any given situation…and, for ME that looks like “low-brow” humor mixed in with some “high brow” attitude…or, the other way around.

Hang in there, Santa! You haven’t been replaced by the Christmas Reaper entirely! And, for all the GOOD little boys who truly DO behave themselves around children, women, and others…may Santa bring you a safe and happy person to love and enjoy precious time with….even if they aren’t EXACTLY the parents or the children you long to see happy with all of your heart!

Personally, I think “Shame on married men for flirting with young females, while your devoted wife has no clue what you’re really doing while stalking her like a psycho just so she doesn’t find out about your extra-curricular secular activities”…like sowing wild oats and planting seeds in other gardens. I mean, why not just have a conversation about various relationship options that are more “open-minded” and fair? I sure wish I had been more open-minded and accepting of certain “outside” influences who came into my first marriage…

I am offended on behalf of every little boy and girl who didn’t get to celebrate ANYTHING some years, because maybe there was a nasty divorce between a loyalist and a progressive…or a “Dick” and a “Jane”…

Santa, do you remember those stories from when I was a little girl and you never came and visited my house? What was wrong with me? Why didn’t you come to my house when I was a little girl? It sure would have been nice to have been given something else to believe in instead of a depressing story that ends in complete and total death and destruction of every living thing on the planet if we don’t start recycling and living like we are close to the ground and back to the basics of a Great Depression.

So, Santa. I grew up with parents who gave me a sense of humor. That’s about it. I think I still have the Bible my father gave to me, and the Child Craft fairy tale books that my Daddy used to read to me when I was a lost little girl, just falling asleep listening to his deep voice resonate sounds of poetry and words…looking at pictures of ships and pirates and all sorts of wonderful, far away places…like the North Pole and Zanzibar.

Long before I knew what a “lark on a wing” meant, or a “wing on a prayer” or what a “fowl joke” divorce court is when you are Chicken Little and grew up with backyard chickens….and was taught to place ALL of your eggs in one basket! I was taught as an old-fashioned little pioneer girl to find yourself a cock, put up with his bullshit, but be loyal and devoted, faithful and chaste…just like he promised to be in a monogamous marriageand basically lost your marbles over Monopoly and Monogamy sounding very, very similar…kind of like Oregon being “open season” might be code words for “hunting” for a “catch” and you have a few pecker issues and a mouth like a 17th century sailor landed in the body of a middle-aged woman who has the mind of a five-year old still knocking around in there.

Please give president Trump everything his little heart desires, along with his family and especially his little boy Baron, the poor little rich kid. He doesn’t look at all happy. He kind of looks traumatized, but maybe that is because he’s a little kid in front of an entire world full of scary, crazy people like is daddy.

Please save Dr. Fauci so he can vaccinate Baby Jesus, because we don’t want Baby Jesus to grow up and die and go to Heaven like grandma and grandpa, or mom and dad, or like any of the victims of violence and war we see on the news, like the beheading of a history teacher in France.

Santa, please don’t let anyone else get beheaded for drawing cartoons of sacred religious icons. And, Jesus, since you hear every plea out there anyway, you can inform Allah, YHWH, Mohammed, Buddha, the Easter Bunny, Satan, Lucifer, the Beast, the False Prophet, and the entire cast and crew of “The Ten Commandments” that the joke’s on our Father who is in Heaven, who made humans in His image…and, if humans are angry and scared, maybe God is angry and scared, too!

So, Dr. Fauci, modern-day Jesus Christ, Savior of the World…you, O Great Physician who has shown us the WAY….and restored MY faith in child-like innocence and intentional “pretending” during times of insanity when people gather in angry mobs and act like angry animals who should have the ASPCA called on them…or an animal trainer who has dealt with angry primates who throw poop and pee, smash and break things, and attack defenseless primates in the wrong place at the wrong time…I am going to “pretend” right along with YOU. for MY sense of sanity!

I have several children who I haven’t seen in years due to a situation ALMOST similar to what I see happening ALL over again in the world.

Complete and total chaos that kept us so busy with telling children lies, we almost began believing them ourselves as we “forgot” about our own wild teenage years when we raised a bunch of HELL…and, the thought of dying was the furthest thing from our minds, because you ALL remember what you had on your mind that you were afraid of happening…doing something stupid and going to jail.

Doing something stupid and pissing off the wrong person who happens to be bigger, more dangerous, and who doesn’t really care whether you live or die…because, of course, their life and their approach to solving problems is much more complex than yours. Some people believe the way to solving a problem is to get rid of the problem solvers…because then, you won’t have a problem to deal with in the first place!

PLEASE figure out how to stop all the little bullies from growing into bigger and bigger bullies!

So, Dear Santa, please save my children and ALL of the children who don’t deserve to die for minor offenses, or for just wanting a hug from their mom or dad or boyfriend or girlfriend…and PLEASE help heal the broken hearts of the mothers and fathers who have been separated from their children because of LIES, and stress, and trauma, and a panicked mother who was afraid of losing her children to the world of scary and aggressive men like their father, who I understand is doing much better now that he has a partner much more fitting to his scary and aggressive personality…please bless my children’s stepmother this year with a twinge of guilt for pushing her stepchildren’s birth mother away from watching her precious children grow up and become ADULTS who don’t want to be LIED to about what can happen in a bedroom or a marriage when a woman allows herself to be put down, slut-shamed, kept in the dark about other women…and how a man can lead a double life…and so can a woman.

In fact, at my age…I’m not sure how many different “stages ” I’ve experienced!

So, to end my Christmas wish list…since nobody has yet to discover the cure for diabetes, cancer, or any number of other ailments and exponential growth patterns of issues found in humans…I WISH we could eliminate auto-immune disorders, but I am not a scientist…and even Dr. Fauci is resorting to telling delusional lies designed to alleviate fears with happy thoughts….which WORKS to promote HEALTH!!!! Happy thoughts, even if based in fantasy makes for natural endorphins!

So, Loooooong live HAPPY fantasy which may eventually translate into HAPPY reality…or at least a “new weird” reality of pretending to be a little child again…at least while the children are around.

Then, as an adult writer of fantasy…what exactly do you think goes through a child’s mind when they hear “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”? I’d be wondering what Mrs. Claus is doing while left all alone in the North Pole with all those hot sexy young “Christian” toymakers?

All’s fair in LOVE and WAR!



Lorrance Herring

Oregon born, Bardass Poet, Bat-Shit Crazy Stand-Up Comedian, Entertaining Social Activist, Mamadadaist Artist of 8 kids, Weirdo Wonder Woman, Narc Researcher