Dear Trump, I Am Sick of Being Falsely Accused! I am a Determined, Mature, Peace Delegate. I Am a Misunderstood American.

Since 2016, I have gone through some major life changes. I have lost a LOT of relationships, money, and have been treated like a near criminal, even though I don’t have a criminal record. Small-town rumors and local hearsay rule the world over here in Oregon.

I am a writer of political satire and comedy that involves religion and sex. Lots and lots and lots of sex. Sexy, sexy, sexy sex crimes. I write intelligent porn and can describe myself as a homicidal pacifist (heavy on the pacifist).

On most Tuesdays these days I sit around with other writers in a support group and we talk about all sorts of subjects that range from murder, mayhem, cannibalism, rockets science, witches, mysteries, and how to craft good stories with approaches such as “shattering,” “killing your darlings” “slashing out unneeded paragraphs” and beginnings, middles, and ends to the stories we are writing. Some of the writers are writing memoirs. Some write song parodies and use current events for their fodder.

I have an English degree along with a Creative Writing degree from the University of Oregon, where I was asked to stay home halfway through my Master’s Degree. My fellow American citizens on the campus were nervous that I might carry through with some of my suggestions to solve some serious issues, such as inviting Richard Spencer to campus because I thought Hitler had died a few years ago, and I thought Spencer sounded too close to a KKK Hitler character, especially when I heard him talk in German and a bunch of white supremacists at the Capitol were shouting, “Heil Trump!”

I offered to let him suck my “elephant in the room” trunk attachment that I put on my new purse design. It looks like a “man-pouch” so I can have everything I need hanging right between my legs, just like a man. They asked me not to do that. They also asked me not to offer myself up as a sacrifice to God, to save the world. They asked me to stay home.

I said, “Oh, so this is how you kick out Oscar Wilde, is it?” Fine! I told them I could stay home and translate Chaucer into Dr. Suess. I worked my ass off to get the degrees I earned while getting legitimate “A”s, not letting some ghost writer pen my own papers, like what we witnessed with our first “Lady.”

I am actually working on rewriting the Bible, and filling in some missing elements which explains the Bible from a viewpoint of a defenseless MOTHER of many children living in modern-day dark ages. It is going quite well, and my professional-level associates give me encouraging feedback during our critique group. We value each others’ opinions as fellow writers of all sorts of creative works, as authors of published works and for the talent we have all poured our lives into refining.

The epic piece I am working on is full of love-making, tribalism, murder, political assassinations, war, head-hunting, adultery, prostitution, body chopping, homosexuality, depravity, poetry, music, comedy,wisdom, insanity, and a LOT of magical realism, as well as surrealism.

Trump is a leader with a child-like obstinate attitude. Narcissistic male patriarchs and other humans with blind loyalty to their nation full of power and control issues seem to gravitate toward him. Birds of a feather flock together, I guess. I am an American mother and I am still not given equal rights, equal access, equal treatment, or equal respect by those in my community.

I just turned on the news, because I like to stay sort of current, especially when I’m cleaning the currants I just harvested from my yard. It seemed appropriate. I am a “kitchen witch” in my realm. I am a real witch in some circles. I have been targeted in a real-live witch hunt that involves females in power in the Lane County Courthouse over here in Oregon. Modern-day witch hunts really do happen, people! Thank whatever higher power out there that I have not been physically killed, only emotionally annihilated, physically attacked, and eliminated in my relational rights to reasonable time with my children.

My case was almost thrown out of court. I walked out with my head held high. I have my own personal “Trump Trauma” and do not like the idea of wall-building, walls of silence, towers of power, monopolies, and elitists who are out of touch with what REALLY goes on in an average citizen’s life over here in Oregon.

Tonight President Trump’s fugly face was on television again, accusing his Democratic opponents of being full of hatred. Democrats are just as corrupted as Republicans, and I can critique every party out there, while LOVING humanity. I don’t like war. I don’t like the idea of my beautiful children going off to become traumatized by the military, guns, violence, or the possibility of getting raped, hooked on drugs or alcohol, or fed a bunch of lies about what what “benevolent Dictators” can accomplish when enough money and backing is given to them.

DHS was not impressed with my renovation zone. Chip and Joanna Gaines are going to be stuck in a special mansion with an “outhouse” once they reach Heaven. Martha Stewart will get to cook for Satan, and Trump will be stuck in a concentration camp where I get to personally educate him by reading him to death, beginning with Mary Wollstonecraft’s “Vindication of the Rights of Women,” and explaining exactly how we ended up with Mary Shelley’s “Frankenstein.”

Yes, even Frankenstein gets to go to Heaven. Along with Hitler and Spencer. DICTATORS will get to spend eternity in a special mansion where they have their pearly whites removed and are fed gummy bears by Barbie dolls, after they are all turned into Ken dolls. That mansion is for “Dictators, Dicks, and Dickheads,” no matter what party affiliation, time period, or country they hearken from.

My “assassination” plans are a fantasy. I write intelligent porn. I’ve been investigated by the FBI. I believe the conclusion was that I write “Facebook Vomit”. I’m into preventative medicine. I would rather “kill it” on the comedy stage, than get killed in some act of violence that never changes anything!

I would LOVE to explain my “assassination” plans to Trump…it involves an escort service and a naked walk out of Oregon with a sign on his back, that says “I’m sorry I’m Trump, I’ll share my gold toilets or go back into the outhouse.” After we give him a pee test and explain the road kill laws. We do NOT harm him or ANYONE….impeaching Trump looks like throwing rotten peaches at him, rotten tomatoes, and telling him, “You’re fired! Now go home and read some books to your autistic son, and improve the way you talk about women and children in our “black and white” bi-polarized colorful country who have been falsely accused….Barron must have inherited his issues from one of his narcissistic parents!”

Its a rat race, and no matter who wins a race, a game, or points in a debate, someone is going to say “Rats!”

PSA: I also heard that the Black Plague is on the rise in certain inner cities. That’s weird. I thought that went out of fashion back in the Dark Ages when Kings and Queens graciously told the starving masses “let them eat cake!” Maybe the Trump family dynasty needs to come down to Oregon where they can see what’s REALLY going on in the average American’s life. I can introduce them to some of my traumatized friends and relatives who come from all over the world, are full of empathy, and see life from a myriad of loving, but hurting, perspectives.

Most of them are either Republicans or Democrats, all of them are HUMANS who are afraid of loss and are just trying to make it though another 24 hrs. alive, peaceful, and able to enjoy time with those they love. I love this land, but I HATE what it can do to our own citizens as the rich get richer and the poor seem to get poorer.

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Lorrance Herring

Lorrance Herring

Oregon born, Bardass Poet, Bat-Shit Crazy Stand-Up Comedian, Entertaining Social Activist, Mamadadaist Artist of 8 kids, Weirdo Wonder Woman, Narc Researcher