Escape! How to Escape Reality!

First, figure out what is reality and what is just your perspective on reality. Your reality might not be someone else’s reality. Your perspective might be very different, even polar opposite, from the next person’s experience of reality.

Second, choose your enemy or enemies…turn them into something other than a fellow human. Remember, most humans are also vulnerable and need to escape from whatever reality they are experiencing.

Then, take all of your enemies and give them names…give them a fictional character in a story, do whatever you want to them in a fictional story, and leave them ALONE in reality!

There is the KEY to escaping reality, while keeping everyone, including yourself, SAFE. But, you MUST be able to tell the difference between reality and fantasy…and, remember.

Gravity always wins! Science always wins (unless, of course, you are a sci-fi guy…then Science Fiction always wins)!

Reality is crazy enough due to people who don’t know how to differentiate fantasy from reality, or who don’t know what they are doing while in a state of fear, excessive power, whacked out on drugs, or out-of-control emotions and mental health issues.

Like most of the people you see in the news.

Next, make yourself, or the character that represents YOU as the hero…then, make yourself the victim, then make yourself the villain. Then, make yourself a bystander and an observer, like an umpire calling shots, of an unfolding story you can’t control due to other people’s behavior and perspective on reality.

It’s like transforming the election into a game of football between the Rich Red Elephants and the Poor Blue Donkeys…and poor you if you tend to root for the underdog! Gooo Blue Donkeys! Goooo Donkeys!

Then, if you happen to have a REALLY bizarre reality, write a TRUE memoir about your life that reads a little more like a Fairy Tale!

Don’t worry about run-on sentences. Just write!

Example:

“Once upon a time, long ago in 1968 a little red-headed mermaid was born on the coast of Oregon. She would grow up to become a Creative Writer, a Creative Artist, a mother, a mother hen, a chick, a chicken, a witch, a pirate, a zombie, a poet in forced empty nest syndrome and all sorts of magical things she never dreamed of being as a young girl with a wild imagination, living around a bunch of sea monsters, sand monsters, lake monsters, monsters lurking in the Oregon woods, and other monsters such as religious abusers, financial abusers, child abusers, sexual abusers, drug abusers, animal abusers, verbal abusers, law-breakers, gun slingers, knife throwers, chain saw wielders, thieves, pool sharks, and shark monsters who use box knives like Bobby Darin croons about Mack the Knife!

Once upon a time this mermaid thought monsters hid under her bed and behind closet doors. Ghosts and vampires were out to get her. She was afraid she would never find her true skin that was hidden from her as she tried to get used to her human body.

She then was taught that a young maiden of intelligent virtue could take a frog of a man and transform him into a hero of Bright and Shining Fame if only he had a woman of fine character to root him on in life! She was a heroine at heart and she needed to find some frog with potential to save and transform. She only needed to find just the right such frog. Maybe a frog from West Virginia? Maybe from Earlsboro, Oklahoma? Maybe from Gloucestershire, England?

Yes, yes, an English frog-prince would be perfect! The classic mermaid was certain that a classic frog from England, especially one who loved Beatle Juice as much as she did would be perfect. Dancing to the Beatles with an English Frog, who was really a prince in disguise, was one of her fantasy dreams!

All of her dreams had come true! And, the mermaid shapeshifter Queen and the frog who would be King lived happily ever after.

Until the frog and the mermaid began producing tadpoles…and the creatures they birthed were amazing monstrosities! That’s when life in their fishbowl got crazy!

These little creatures sucked! They sucked milk! They sucked fingers and arms and pacifiers. They sucked and sucked and sucked. Then, they screamed!

Damned! They were demanding. They were also shitty. They shit and shit and shit. So, these creatures sucked, screamed, and shit…and, shit like that.

She was certain they got those qualities from the frog who would be King. Of course, their finer qualities would come from her lineage. One much more ancient and royal than the English frog’s!

When these creatures smiled and laughed and played jokes, she knew they were of her own blood line. When they slept peacefully she knew they were in La La Land. When she discovered how tender their heads were, she knew. When she discovered a blood disorder, she knew. When she saw them morph and change, she knew. When they acted out their animal spirits she knew. When they healed from injuries, she knew. When they hugged her and she cried, she was certain of it.

They knew how to love, unlike the others. The others were from reality. Reality was full of robots and humans without empathy genes. Reality was about people who chased after money and women, money and power, money and good reputations, that and milk and cheese, burghers, McDonald’s Burgers, McDonald Trump and Trumptopia.

When the little sea creatures learned how to read, her heart thrilled. She knew for certain when these creatures began to draw pictures of themselves killing the blues; going on journeys around the world and around the universe; travelling with aliens and each other through scary woods full of monsters and dark mysteries that they were of her vast sea-world!

She had to admit that some of their storytelling abilities were from the frog’s small pond world of England. But, when her mermaids began to turn into sirens, and banshees, mermaids, and witches not to mention masters of the arts typically set aside for men, she knew that there would always be a part of her spirit in them. There would always be magic on the earth; there would always be magical tricksters, and magical thinkers on earth. There would always be lovers of frogs who would be Princes and Kings.

“We’re gonna have six strapping boys just like me!” declared the frog as his mermaid lost her tail while her belly grew large and she changed into a whale.

“We’re going to have five girls before you ever get a boy!” replied the whale of a mermaid with a laugh. They would find out who was a seer and who knew the truth. They would find out who had the most power to channel Creative Genius, and this mermaid was a power with whom to be reckoned.

She was the Morrigan come back again, and this time she brought along a legion of warriors from ages of old. She even brought along her flying monkeys, and her angry flying red elephants in MAGA hats with ears shaped like bat wings. And, the Flying Purple People Eater. And Barney. And Veggie Tales. And Beatrix Potter. And Mother Goose and Dr. Suess, not to mention Emily Dickinson, Jane Austen, and Lucy Maude Montgomery.

She brought along all the characters from the Bible like the scary “Satan” and the scarier “Devil”, “the Anti-Christ”, “the Whore of Babylon”, and “the Beast”…she even brought along Mary, Joseph, Jesus Christ and God (Also known under many other names like YHWH and other impossible names to pronounce).

This mermaid was SO determined to tell the whole world how wonderful and awesome her tadpoles and mermaids were, that she would become a MONSTER mom and transform herself into a terrifying chicken plucking her feathers and pecking on men and their pecker issues!

Then, of course, she would flap her wings all the way to the U of O, the home of the Ducks where she would learn to say “quack!” and “cluck!” and “fuck!” (Thank you, Professor Benjamin Saunders!). Then, as fate would have it, she would end up on National Television, front and center, terrorizing 40,000 U of O Duck fans during half-time while trying to raise money for homeless people about a year before the pandemic hit.

Who would have thought that shapeshifters were a real thing? Who would have thought that a mermaid could become Chicken Little? Which came first? The Chicken or the Sea? Or, maybe the mermaid?

This mermaid saw the writing on the wall the day she poked her head out of the water way back in the days of Grendel, then again in the days of Zuess and Jesus; King Arthur and Merlin; and when the Spaniards invaded Holland. She was caught that time, those damned mud puddles in North Holland!

That was when she first learned how to behave like a Queen while on earth. That was when she first learned to tuck her tail, keep her mouth shut, and clean house. That was when she learned that the land of reality had nothing in common with the land of mermaids and the Triple Goddess. Or even the Double Triple Goddesses and the Double Prophets who would someday emerge to take over the different realms of their parents.

And, so, the family of English American fishtales that the frog and the mermaid began in 1991 began to be filled with a mermaid, then a second mermaid. Then, a third mermaid and a fourth mermaid, and of course, a fifth mermaid. And, as the mermaid had predicted, they finally had their first pollywog. He resembled his legendary Nordic woodsman grandfather from the mermaid’s bloodline. He resembled a God. She could tell right away. Then, into their happy little fishbowl, they added another mermaid and finally, their second, and last pollywog, also known as a prophet and a pirate and a sweetheart named ‘Pinkytoe Jones’ among other fun times of pretending.

This ‘Pinkytoe Jones’ was destined to have a heart like his mermaid mother’s. He was a red-head like his mother; he was a hot-head like his mother; he was a beautiful soul torn between two worlds, just like his mother. He was the baby of his family, just like his mother. He was a wizard. He was of his mother’s bloodline, as well! He also knew his mother loved all of her mermaids and tadpoles, even with all the mud puddles, mud pies, and mud-slinging done by scary men from England holding water guns and super soakers.

She knew that all of her beloved creatures would not exist if not for her getting caught in a net and a network and hauled out of the ocean where there’s plenty of fish, schools of knowledge, and plenty of seamen sailing the oceans. But, the mermaid was used to being caught. It was her role. It was part of the plan. It was part of this true story.

Of course, the mermaid got lost in the land of reality and didn’t like what she saw. She saw history once again repeating itself. She saw a red monster trying to devour an entire nation like an angry dragon or beast seeking a totalitarian rule. She saw military men bearing guns intimidating the masses, and discovered the importance of books and fantasyland. They are useful to help deal with and understand a reality world full of dangerous idiots.

The mermaid preferred the land of Gentle Grammar Nazis, “Naughty” Nerds, and “Nice” Nymphs…and she preferred a Mother Goose who has been through just about everything and now researches sex, cuss words, and politics and political humor.

Yes, eventually this mermaid sprouted wings and flew so far over the cuckoo’s nest she became Mother Goose.

And, now you know the truth!

Love,

Lorrance Herring, The Little Mermaid, Chicken of the Sea, Chicken Little, Henny Penny, Hickety Pickety My Black Hen, Mother Goose and the Rooster in the Sky.

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