GOOD NEWS! CHRISTMAS COMES FULL CIRCLE!
GOOD NEWS! MERRY CHRISTMAS, and MERRY EVERYTHING! I have been going through a difficult, and unusual journey that has involved copious amounts of forgiveness. But, GOOD NEWS! I have arrived at some higher steps on the ladder than where I was standing before! I have been struggling with my faith in GOD, YOU, and MYSELF….existential crisis, much? Only through most of my life! Well, my sense of crisis is pretty much over, with the exception of a few feelings of righteous anger, self-righteous anger, and doubts that crop up…I have discovered that I may be an Atheist who believes in GOD! I also discovered that I am not only an Atheist, I am THE theist!
I have a wise and brilliant teenage son who is a self-proclaimed Atheist. He also believes that demons travel in hordes of hobo spiders who are out to get him. Demons from the same spider family to whom he will apologize for ruining a web, and then turn and get upset at my sweetie for stomping on to protect him from getting bitten. He believes Holy Water will work to detect demons and protect our family, whom he loves, from those dangerous Hobo Spider demons.
He also said he was confused by the behavior of the adults around him and he is evidently an angry young man inside (We had to replace his bedroom door once from an “accident” involving a dining room chair). Now, I have lost faith in our social systems to help me”fix” my family’s relationship difficulties. I have lost faith in churches, in money, in common sense, and in just about everything and everyone around me in this world.
I DO still have faith in all of my CHILDREN to figure out life as life unfolds and just “is.” I believe in GOD to work out problems in the Jones family that are too big for the State of Oregon to figure out in our broken Court System full of corruption. I believe your GOD can help you figure out your family’s problems, as well. Or, your GOD won’t, and you can just accept the results. You have to anyway, no matter what exactly you believe.
I still believe that the TRUTH will set us free, and we are beginning to get to a place where more people are able to speak their truths, because we still have FREEDOM of SPEECH in our Country….I hope that continues forever and ever and ever. I hope our great big beautiful world continues forever, and ever, and ever…..unless, as most Christians believe, God will just miraculously replace everything. Christians may be terrorizing those non-believers whom they are trying to “save” by threatening to take away their world, “UNLESS…..” I am tired of bullies. I am tired of being bullied. I am standing up against MY bully, with the help of MY understanding of MY higher power that works through the WORD. In the beginning was the WORD, and the WORD was GOD. That’s the word. I have a friend named Satan, and I love him. He is just confused and scared that he will never exist anymore. He is traveling in a 28 year-old’s body and is one of the most scared and confused persons I have ever met. Next to his partner and sweetie. Next to me and my children. Next to YOU. You might not want to live with him or his partner for eight months like my husband and I did. It was a harrowing experience with a beautiful and good result (so far), as they are now off of the streets and in their own place this winter.
For the first time in six years. We were able to show them TRUE agape love, even if they believe that cannibalism is a viable belief system, violence is sometimes necessary, and war is an inevitable human behavior that we just engage in because we do. I believe any war has the fear of not having enough…fill in the blanks….at its roots. Usually it has to do with mommy and daddy issues as a young child, mixed in with isms and ologies that are used for gaining power, control, and a sense of personal safety.
For showing me how to have Filter-Flop and just say whatever I want without fear of anything bad happening to anyone, I can THANK TRUMP! He has raised the bar…and I am used to jumping through hoops and aiming high! For THAT, I can thank my children’s FATHER. I can also THANK MY PARENTS for showing me the way of being self-sacrificing so their children can have a better life than what they had growing up. My parents may have lost custody and may have been locked up if they lived in this day and age of hyper-extreme everything! I look back at their mistakes, and it is a wonder I am alive! They must have had a lot of faith in God, or ME, to get through this thing called life. I have that same faith in my own children and family.
I believe my children’s father loves our children with his whole heart and wants to keep them safe and happy, away from the scary people and the scary world we live in, which includes me, I guess. I am a strong woman. That can be intimidating to some people, especially those who can no longer control and abuse me. I also have reached a place of forgiveness and acceptance….especially for myself, and for my inability to stop certain things from taking place from my past mistakes, others’ past mistakes, and decisions that began a snowball effect of energy and emotions that has become a huge knotted mess. Life is STILL beautiful and worth living, even if it’s full of heartache and loss. I should know. I am still alive today to tell you all about my journey of experience, strength, and hope that involves recovering from more pain and trauma than I would wish on anyone. Being me is NOT a fun ride inside. I have learned to mask a lot of emotions. I am an actress, extraordinaire…just like many survivors of terror and abuse become. Recovery from many “isms” IS possible. Just not for everyone. We have to get to a place of realizing that, or we will continue the cycle of abuse by continuing to be co-dependent to those who abuse us. Possibly ourselves and our own brains, or our own parents, family, children. Possibly, our own boyfriend, girlfriend, spouses, our own friends, our own churches, our own communities, our own states, our own nation, our own world. As well as everyone and their dog and dogma, not to mention Karma and black cats and the Bible and school, and chemicals and pharmaceuticals, alcohol, nicotine, drugs, industry, greed and laziness…and a lack of empathy for ourselves and others, who are just reflections of each other. Mirror, mirror, on the wall…whose the fairest of them all? Look in the Mirror!
Merry Christmas! May everyone have a wonderful Season full of getting everything that causes them a sense of happiness and well-being. I it well with MY soul, I am just concerned about the souls of those I love with all of my HEART. Which, unfortunately for me, is most all of you….especially my children! But, fortunately for my children, I am feeling forced to cut some apron strings long before any of us were ready. Especially, with my biggest child…their father, who has raped and pillaged me in more ways that I did not want to believe was ever possible, but whom I still love and pray for everyday.