How to Get Kicked Out of Heaven 101

Lorrance Herring
6 min readDec 12, 2019
Image found on Pixabay.com
  1. You must become like a little child and live in a state where everything you need is provided for you. You are surrounded by loved ones and have lots of experiences that form happy memories as you learn to mimic those around you. For some, this is called “Childhood,” for others this is called, “Time with Friends,” “Falling in Love,” “Living the Dream,” “Relationship Bliss,” “Forming a Family,” or “The Perfect Vacation.” These are all levels of the Seven Heavens.
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2. You must get into trouble and get tossed out for being rebellious, opinionated, disorderly, mean, guilty of violations, or for disagreeing with the rules of Heaven, or whoever is in charge. Your happy bubble is popped and your sense of Heaven is destroyed. Other Angels’ happy bubbles are popped, depending on circumstances and severity of offenses. For some, this is called “Rite of Passage,” “Divorce,” “Separation,” “Physical or Mental Injury,” “Diagnosis,” “Depression,” “Prison,” or “Death.” These are different forms of valid reasons to get kicked out of Heaven. Heaven is in a constant state of rejuvenation and flux, but much more peaceful than on Earth or in Hell. There is only innocent life in Heaven and no one passes the bar exam, because there is no need for barristers. When judged, every sentence is one of mercy, because mercy triumphs over judgement.

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3. If getting kicked out of Heaven is due to a “Rite of Passage” usually one can get back into Heaven by recreating a new version of Heaven as an imagined ideal. With enough vision this is possible to achieve, even if one’s childhood was more like Hell. Sometimes, it may feel as if your dreams were destroyed by someone else, some natural event, or some major traumas and losses that were not your fault. Sometimes the very people who make Heaven what it is are no where to be found. It takes a lot of work to reach that euphoric experience of the Original First Heaven, but it can be done. This is called the Second Heaven. Finding other Angels on earth is an adventure that can make this process more fun and possible. Avoiding Demons is advisable, becoming a Demon who attacks or harms humans (including self-inflicted damages) can cause permanent loss of all access to Heaven and lead to “Injury,” “Prison,” or “Death,” depending again on the severity of violations during this time. Remember, most humans are roughly two-thirds Angelic and one-third Demonic.

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4. If getting kicked out of Heaven is due to “Divorce,” or “Separation” from loved ones gained during your time in Second Heaven following “Marital Bliss”, you may feel as if you are going through Hell as a Fallen Angel and will never reach Heaven again, especially if offspring are involved. It is temporary and this level can be replicated. It may seem as if others are still enjoying Heaven while you kick rocks, but usually one can get back into Heaven by being patient as your character develops and you are slowly recycled into a happy child or teenager again. Where your emotional state of Bliss finally arrives is directly related to your ability to maturely process rage and anger at getting kicked out of Heaven in the first place. This is a third and fourth level of Heaven. Some Angels get to skip this level altogether. They are called Celibate Angels, Eunuchs, Unicorns, and other fantastical creatures, like knights in shining armor, free legal defense, and patient judges who possess wisdom who give honor to Misunderstood Angels.

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5. If getting kicked out of Heaven is due to “Injury”,” “Diagnosis,” or “Depression” it can be very painful, scary, and lonely. This condition is also temporary. Your human flesh that you were assigned is designed to heal if the condition is not too severe. Remember that your spirit is eternal and you will bounce back, come back, and eventually get another shot when the fog lifts until your clock runs out. Getting another shot is a fifth level of Heaven. It is best not to linger here for too long, or you might advance to meet the Clock Maker, God, and God’s Wife sooner than you meant and miss out on helping others who are stuck in this progressive condition.

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6. If getting kicked out of Heaven is due to really fucking up and winding up in “Prison,” it likely IS Hell, (especially if you have already been kicked out of Heaven more times than you can remember and Heaven is hiding behind spewing lava, earthquakes, lightning, and shitstorms of bad memories usually involving drugs, alcohol, various levels of crime, violence, and sexual violations), unless, of course, you belong to Hollywood or the Rich and Elite. I’ve heard it straight from the Gatekeeper of Heaven that certain Angels get preferential “Prison” treatment when just “acting” like a Demon. Remember, it is always easier to put yourself in a self-imposed “Padded Cell” inside your imagination while following Heavenly and Earthly protocols than to act out in reality while surrounded by undercover agents of God with the power to place you in a clinker full of human animals. “Prison” is usually temporary unless you are there for extremely heinous crimes committed while being allowed to be among those trying to enjoy Heaven. When you get ushered back into Heaven after “Prison” it will feel empowering since this is the sixth sense of Heaven and Heavenly freedom. It helps to remember that you will get to meet new members of Heaven you didn’t even realize would be there. You might not recognize them, although many will be very familiar. You will likely be on probation and had better be on your best behavior. You might not be quite ready to meet God. He’s much scarier than you might imagine, unless he’s in a good mood when he reads your final report card. And, you don’t want to meet God’s wife. Even God is afraid of her. Freedom to exist in Heaven without fear of rejection is something to cherish and keep safeguarded.

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7. Finally, Heaven is much bigger than most realize, so it may take a very long time to bump into those Angels who arrived much sooner than you did. Heaven can also be reached just by closing your eyes and imagining everyone and everything ever lost restored; everything and everyone ever corrupted, damaged, or diseased is healed; every longing realized, and every transgression forgiven. Heaven is an ideal world full of happiness and joy where every single person you have ever loved or wanted to love is present and no one is rejected or angry; there is no reason to be afraid of others or of ever dying, being excluded, or of missing out on celebrations. In Heaven, you are reunited with those you love who got there first or left you behind and alone in the world. Parents are restored to their children and their tears are wiped away. There are plenty of people to love and hug, plenty of dwellings, activities, and time to share in Heaven. Some of what Heaven looks like is what you once had, what you have right now, or what you might get to create in the future.

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Lorrance Herring

Oregon born, Bardass Poet, Bat-Shit Crazy Stand-Up Comedian, Entertaining Social Activist, Mamadadaist Artist of 8 kids, Weirdo Wonder Woman, Narc Researcher