Limericks from the Sea

Lorrance Herring
3 min readJan 17, 2018

Dedicated to the Old Squids from Cush Cafe, Squid at Sizzle Pie, Creamora, and Rex Moody — “I want to be owned by a woman.” — Rex. Be careful what you wish for, it might come true!

Picture found on GooglePics

“Sex after marriage is like the tiniest shred of evidence that God is real. Just like mermaids and squids.” — Lorrance Herring

There was an old squid who was moody.

He swam around looking for booty.

But he knew not his kind of ideal in his mind,

so the mermaids all thought he was snooty!

There was an old squid named Rex

who went a whole year without sex.

When he met a mermaid, who came to his aid,

and now he’s that old mermaid’s ex!

That stupid old squid known as Rex,

he masturbated over his ex.

But, he started to cry when his stuff hit his eye,

and his favorite tentacle went next!

The squids held a council on sex

and elected their leader named Rex.

He declined the position,

’cause an erectile condition made his love life

extremely complex!

That lonely old squid known as Rex

caused Ursula to place on him a hex.

It could only be broken

when this squid was awoken

by delighting in mermaiden sex!

One for the money, two for the show.

Ten tentacles on a squid to chop off in a row.

“Mercy!” he cried, “Leave one for my pride!

And two for my mermaid, or else I’ll get fried!”

The mermaids went splash for a pirate

which made all the old squids quite irate —

What about them, and their tentacles ten?

Well, mermaids and pirates can gyrate!

A mermaiden once owned a squid

in her long flowing tresses he hid.

But he thought she had sex with a walrus

and then next, he thought she might eat him.

She did.

“Some meat in this ocean’s unclean!”

the mermaiden started to scream.

“I knew I was foolish, but I was raised to be Jewish,

so squids get inspected, I ween!”

The crabs? They delighted in squid

old crotch hair is where they all hid.

Copulating and dancing, they weren’t big

on romancing, but for money? They’d do

as they’re bid!

Squids can be carpenters, too! And mermaids

can live in a shoe. When they build things together

it’s like stormy weather, the tension

can make balls turn blue!

The balls in the ocean are pearls:

opalescent, they’re covered in swirls.

Unless they turn blue, when they’re cock-blocked

it’s true…sex keeps them all moving

in whorls.

The squids kick up small grains of sand

and aggravate mermaiden land.

But, the squids have the right to say, “Not tonight.

Not ever. I’ll just use my hand.”

An old squid found Davey Jones’ locker.

What he discovered within was a shocker:

The girl of his dreams

was an octopus it seems!

But, he still really wanted to fuck ‘er!

There once was a squid who was red.

He had quite a prominent head.

When the mermaids went down

on his head, they all found

that they swallowed his body instead!

“I don’t know why he squirted ink

right in my eye!” The mermaids think

the old squids are all poets.

They don’t know what they do, when they write lines for you!

But, the sea-green bedsheets often show it!

An old squid was once full of trouble.

His counselor tried not to bubble

when he squirted his ink, and then Rorschach, I think

was called in to read them on the double!

Those inkblots that Rorschach once had

were made by that squid who was mad.

That squid’s name was Rex, and he just wanted sex,

But psychologists thought that was bad.

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Lorrance Herring

Oregon born, Bardass Poet, Bat-Shit Crazy Stand-Up Comedian, Entertaining Social Activist, Mamadadaist Artist of 8 kids, Weirdo Wonder Woman, Narc Researcher