Dedicated to the Old Squids from Cush Cafe, Squid at Sizzle Pie, Creamora, and Rex Moody — “I want to be owned by a woman.” — Rex. Be careful what you wish for, it might come true!
“Sex after marriage is like the tiniest shred of evidence that God is real. Just like mermaids and squids.” — Lorrance Herring
There was an old squid who was moody.
He swam around looking for booty.
But he knew not his kind of ideal in his mind,
so the mermaids all thought he was snooty!
There was an old squid named Rex
who went a whole year without sex.
When he met a mermaid, who came to his aid,
and now he’s that old mermaid’s ex!
That stupid old squid known as Rex,
he masturbated over his ex.
But, he started to cry when his stuff hit his eye,
and his favorite tentacle went next!
The squids held a council on sex
and elected their leader named Rex.
He declined the position,
’cause an erectile condition made his love life
That lonely old squid known as Rex
caused Ursula to place on him a hex.
It could only be broken
when this squid was awoken
by delighting in mermaiden sex!
One for the money, two for the show.
Ten tentacles on a squid to chop off in a row.
“Mercy!” he cried, “Leave one for my pride!
And two for my mermaid, or else I’ll get fried!”
The mermaids went splash for a pirate
which made all the old squids quite irate —
What about them, and their tentacles ten?
Well, mermaids and pirates can gyrate!
A mermaiden once owned a squid
in her long flowing tresses he hid.
But he thought she had sex with a walrus
and then next, he thought she might eat him.
“Some meat in this ocean’s unclean!”
the mermaiden started to scream.
“I knew I was foolish, but I was raised to be Jewish,
so squids get inspected, I ween!”
The crabs? They delighted in squid
old crotch hair is where they all hid.
Copulating and dancing, they weren’t big
on romancing, but for money? They’d do
as they’re bid!
Squids can be carpenters, too! And mermaids
can live in a shoe. When they build things together
it’s like stormy weather, the tension
can make balls turn blue!
The balls in the ocean are pearls:
opalescent, they’re covered in swirls.
Unless they turn blue, when they’re cock-blocked
it’s true…sex keeps them all moving
The squids kick up small grains of sand
and aggravate mermaiden land.
But, the squids have the right to say, “Not tonight.
Not ever. I’ll just use my hand.”
An old squid found Davey Jones’ locker.
What he discovered within was a shocker:
The girl of his dreams
was an octopus it seems!
But, he still really wanted to fuck ‘er!
There once was a squid who was red.
He had quite a prominent head.
When the mermaids went down
on his head, they all found
that they swallowed his body instead!
“I don’t know why he squirted ink
right in my eye!” The mermaids think
the old squids are all poets.
They don’t know what they do, when they write lines for you!
But, the sea-green bedsheets often show it!
An old squid was once full of trouble.
His counselor tried not to bubble
when he squirted his ink, and then Rorschach, I think
was called in to read them on the double!
Those inkblots that Rorschach once had
were made by that squid who was mad.
That squid’s name was Rex, and he just wanted sex,
But psychologists thought that was bad.