Smart and Nerdy…for Old-School Folk

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They see me votin’ for Biden
I know they’re all thinkin’ I’m so
Smart and nerdy

Think I’m just too smart and nerdy
Think I’m just too smart and nerdy
Can’t you see I’m smart and nerdy?
Look at me, I’m smart and nerdy

I wanna roll with Progressives
But so far they all think I’m too
Smart and nerdy

Think I’m just too smart and nerdy
Think I’m just too smart and nerdy
I’m just too smart and nerdy
Really smart and nerdy

First in my class, but not at M-I-T
Got skills, but not in D and D
M.C. Mom, that’s my favorite M.C.
Keep your crispy socks, I’ll just have some THC

My rims never spin, to the contrary
I just got done with my first colonoscopy!
All of my action heroes are scary
Giovanni Mirandola’s in my library

My Facebook page is all totally pimped out
Got people beggin’ for my view on races
Yo, I know Tool, and the Fibonacci sequence
I got a bbq grill, and I don’t need braces
I make all my own sandwiches with Vegannaise
I’m a wiz’ at Cryptograms, and I play for days
Once you’ve seen my lips move, you’re gonna be amazed
My fingers typin’ so fast, I’ll set the world ablaze

There’s no killer who I haven’t spun (spun)
At acting, well, I’m number one (one)
Do risky antics just for fun
I ain’t got a gat, but I got a Supersoaker gun (What?)
“Masochism Tango” is my favorite theme song
You could sure kick my butt in a game of Donkey Kong
I’ll ace any psychology quiz you bring on
I’m fluent in narcissism as well as John Donne

Here’s the part I sing on

You see me roll up eyeballs
I know in my heart they think I’m
cool and nerdy

Think I’m just too cool and nerdy
Think I’m just too cool and nerdy
Can’t you see I’m cool and nerdy?
Look at me, I’m cool and nerdy

Sometime before the pandemic hit, I walked out of Townsend’s Teahouse in downtown Eugene, Oregon with my Contigo thermal mug full of Kava with milk and honey. I looked forward to a relaxing evening with my partner, a former Youth Pastor. I, a former Sunday School teacher and mother of eight children.

A small group of teenagers was hanging around at the corner across from Kesey Square. There was about three guys and one girl.

“Hi!” I said in passing as I nodded my head toward them with a smile.

One of the young men came right up to me and tried to take my mug out of my hand. I held a firm grip.

“What’d you do if I told you I was going to shove this up your ass?” the punk asked me as he looked in my face.

“I don’t think that’d be a good idea,” I replied. “You don’t know who I am, do you? I’m known around these parts as THE Anti-Christ. I lived with Satan for eight months.” I said these words calmly and quite pleasantly.

“You probably think you’re cool, don’t you?” the young girl asked.

I turned and looked at her. “No, you’re cool. I’m old. But, if you live long enough, someday you’ll get to be as old as me,” I told her. I looked at her a little closer. “You’re beautiful!”

“No I’m not!” she exclaimed.

“Yes, you are. And don’t let any of these guys here ever tell you that you’re not!” I looked at them all again. “Have a good night and stay out of trouble.”

I took my partner’s arm and we calmly walked away unmolested and unharmed.

At the beginning of 2019, I encountered a young woman out of her mind on drugs. She came flying around a corner in downtown Eugene, Oregon looking for someone to “fuck up” and she was going after my adult male friend, a fellow writer, artist, and actor.

There was no reasoning with her. She said she was from Denver and didn’t know where she was. We both did our best to call for Cahoots, a social service for people on the streets. We did our best to use social distancing.

I calmly walked away to cross back over to the other side of the street where there were safer and more reasonable people. She decided to jump me from behind and attack me by surprise…it took her two times before she knocked me off my feet and tackled me to the pavement, pounding my head into the pavement in a drug-induced rage.

It was terrifying to be at the mercy of a woman who would be better paired with Mike Tyson in a cage fight! Damned, people! I prefer dancing without getting slammed to the pavement!

So, I was thankful that she didn’t have a weapon on her, or my children would be without a mother and I wouldn’t be able to finish rewriting the Bible or finish my memoir about growing up in crazy Oregon!

And, as a “non-professional” dancer, I’ve been dropped on pavement before, have had a woman knock me off my feet more than once, and have danced for hours until there was blood in my shoes. I’ve dedicated several hours of my life learning dance moves that I’ve channeled toward raising money for the homeless as an unpaid volunteer. Now, since the pandemic and the ensuing lockdown, my fingers are doing more dancing than my body.

So, when people talk to me today about “street ministry”…I smile and tell them, “Good luck with that!” Then, I do what I can as long as I feel safe and head home, lock the door, and turn on the news and remind myself that my body, my brain, and my senses are designed to heal up and recover from professional, rich people who have NO SENSE nor an education whatsoever!

The MIND is a terrible thing to waste. So is the body. As the body goes, so the mind follows.

Or, maybe it is as the mind goes, so the body follows.

Or, maybe there is a collective body and a collective mind. Maybe we all have a thing called “collective guilt”…or, “collective responsibility”…and maybe we have a few things to correct as an out-of-control society.

So, collect your thoughts, collect your body, collect your action figures, collect your hobbies, collect your books, collect your stories, collect your memories and get busy writing about your experiences before you keel over or get killed!

Someday, your children or grandchildren might benefit from reading what you’ve discovered about humanity and the social issues we all face as our collective story unfolds.

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Oregon born, Bardass Poet, Bat-Shit Crazy Stand-Up Comedian, Entertaining Social Activist, Mamadadaist Artist of 8 kids, Weirdo Wonder Woman, Narc Researcher

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Lorrance Herring

Lorrance Herring

Oregon born, Bardass Poet, Bat-Shit Crazy Stand-Up Comedian, Entertaining Social Activist, Mamadadaist Artist of 8 kids, Weirdo Wonder Woman, Narc Researcher

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