The Average Abuser: Running Scared and Scarred for Life? Healing in the Wings!

History in the making. Her story unveiled. HIStory and HERstory blended into ONEstory….Once upon a time period in OUR story of humanity. The abuse we suffer through just to survive as a somewhat functioning species on this beautiful, sexy, but often abusive planet is incredible to behold.

The average abuser looks good on the surface. Attractive, sexy, polite, smiling, engaging…maybe even funny as hell. The average abuser holds down a job, pays bills, and often serves the community in positive ways. The average abuser just might be your average person with a good heart that has been damaged from watching the results of past (or even current) abusive adult behavior while developing into an abusive adult themselves. If we fill our nation with average abusers who can keep their domestic “violence” down to a low rumble, keep their innocent targets scared enough to stay quiet about it for years, then we have a highly functioning, normally abusive society. We can all truck along just fine, and still put on a good front and look good on the surface.

We can even operate in this manner under the guise of fronts such as churches, support groups, families, and school systems. “Us against them” mentality reigns supreme, and sometimes even goes as far as the Supreme Court if the abusive behavior becomes sensationalized enough to warrant national attention. Otherwise, we “average” people in our society continue to shoulder the weight of the world and quietly watch abusers get away with emotional crimes and ride off into the sunset with the goods in tow, leaving their victims gasping for air, and dying alone, gut-punched by the atrocities and emotional devastation experienced at the hands of those they once trusted with their very lives. Where do we find healing and hope?

Sometimes, those people are our former spouses, our parents, our siblings, our leaders, our mentors, fellow church members, best friends, and even our own children. It is no one’s fault. Everyone is only doing the best they know how to do at any given time. Even Trump and Jong. Even your own mother and father. Even the homeless schizophrenic on the street corner infused with alcohol, meth, cocaine, pot, nicotine, caffeine, chemically laden quasi-food, and stinking to high-heaven from days with no soap or shower in sight. It is much easier to ignore abuse, self-abuse, than to confront it head on and overcome abuse.

Finding balance between exploding and imploding in this world is the key to a long, happy life. Finding those people who love and believe in our ability to heal is rare, especially when one’s family tends to have different values in life than you, the abused, might hold yourself. Sensing disapproval and feeling punished by those you love can be devastating, until one reaches a point of realizing that it is possible to grow beyond seeking any ONE person’s approval, especially when that ONE person tries to determine YOUR world view for you! Trying to control outcomes in other people’s lives can be one of the MOST abusive approaches toward others in which we humans can engage.

Injustices can occur when the punishment for not pleasing ONE person becomes so extreme that it becomes emotional torture as the original abuser loses control over the targets of abuse who finally speak out about it. Why would a parent NOT want to get a family into therapy? What, exactly, would a parent want to hide and keep silent about? What behavior would an abusive parent prefer to keep hidden in a closet only to be revealed after they die, if ever? Eventually, memories do return to children who have been traumatized.

Is protecting an abusive parent a benefit to, or an ultimate detriment to, our abused children? I guess only time will tell once the children all grow up and can look back on life with a more rounded perspective of their importance in the history of their family, and then their importance and place in the history of mankind.

The average person who can overcome this abusive world can become a game-changer, a mover and a shaker. Or, maybe grow up and become a gamer, move and travel a lot, and join a religious cult like the Shakers or Quakers. The average person who overcomes self-abuse, other-abuse, and societal abuse just might live long enough to write about some things that could help other people have hope for a better future for everyone on this perpetually changing planet full of abuse that can violate and shock our senses.

The average abuser engages in domestic violence as a response to stress and pressure, emotions of fear and insecurity, and no healthy skill sets by which to express themselves. The average abuser looks around for someone or something upon which to pour out their emotions and angst. Usually, it is close family members. Sometimes, it is the weakest family member who is the most vulnerable and does not know how to process the shock of sudden changes, sudden violence, or the slap of a hurtful barrage of emotionally damaging words. I should know, I am the youngest in a large family. Sibling abuse can scar a person down the road.

When held hostage by an abuser, there is nothing that can be done except accept life on the terms of those in control. I should know. I was married to an angry and controlling man for twenty years who defined my reality and the hierarchy of power and control in our family. Children are the MOST vulnerable, mothers are often powerless to fix things when they also become vulnerable and too trusting. Add a little alcohol into the mix, then tell the Christian mother she should also be fun and sexy, and then rape and cheat on her and watch her unravel quickly.

Sometimes, it is the strongest family member who never knows what is taking place until enough distance is gained to look at the whole unfolding of a family from a birds-eye perspective, and then realizes it can be healthy to have an inaccessible target at whom to scream and rage. Sometimes, a mother allows herself to be the target so the children are spared from imploding. Sometimes, the children are not spared because the mother is unable to protect them from their “protector,” who rescues them from their new-found “villain,” who will of course be anyone except him, the children’s “hero.”

Sometimes, the children of abusers grow up to become abusers themselves because they do not know anything else, are told they do not need therapy, and that their own “rescuer” is perfect in all his ways….and to them, their hero father seems “normal” or “average” because, in this day and age, he just might be.

Sometimes, one parent implodes under abuse experienced by a family of abusers; sometimes one parent explodes. Co-dependency can become blatantly obvious. Other times, it is more subversive and under-handed. Sometimes, families can operate like mini-mafias. Sometimes, families get shattered and the children are left picking up the pieces right along with the separated parents. Especially as the parents age, and the children live through a few more experiences they may not have expected to go through.

Piecing back a sense of dignity and respect after certain past atrocities are exposed can be demoralizing in the extreme. Facing public shame and potential legal repercussions from having remained silent too long can be daunting when the upper hand is given to the one who is the most abusive and threatening. Even former rapists and pedophiles can be forgiven and allowed around innocent children apparently. Especially if they are an actual parent or grandparent. Even pedophile grandparents can be “redeemed” and accepted into a loving family when forgiveness reigns supreme…I should know. I married into one of “those” screwed up families of former United States Veterans of war.

Some veterans deserve our respect. Some just may not. Jackie Charles Jones was a veteran of war and he sure did a number on not only his own family, but on MY family as well. May he rest in peace now that he is dead and gone. I wish he had never been a part of my beautiful ex-husband’s past, and I wish that my ex-mother-in-law had NEVER been punched in the stomach and thrown down stairs while pregnant, or that my ex-brother-in-law had never been strapped to a chair and stabbed to death in an unsolved mystery in Oklahoma back in the seventies or eighties, and that my other ex-brother-in-law had ever become a veteran of Desert Storm and wrapped his beautiful self around a tree in a drunk driving accident. I also wish my ex-mother-in-law hadn’t been such a victim of all of the numerous, numerous, numerous men she slept with while allowing her own children to become victims of abuse to the point of becoming abusers themselves.

However, the family I married into can all hold their heads high in this world. We are ALL GOOD! We are all walking around in our society, behaving ourselves for the most part very socially acceptable to one degree or another, and I am fairly certain that no one is plotting anyone else’s demise. We may have a few issues with respect, and we may have some issues with Oppositional Defiance Disorder….as in, we may push the envelope of societal “norms” as a way of public protesting. We may not really care exactly what YOU think about us, our art work, our poetry, our hairstyles, our food choices, or our professions.

We may not care what you think about “dirty hippies” as apposed to “clean-cut” high-society parties where illicit drugs are provided…to each their own. I know of many people in positions of power in my society who engage in all sorts of illegal, illicit behavior and legally get away with it, because they have connections with those who can cover their asses…until their behavior catches up to them and their asses fall off. Even Trump and movie stars bite the dust in the end.

She who lives longest, healthiest, and laughs loudest in the end wins. She who hangs in there and waits for nasty boys to grow up and show some respect to their female partners in crime still dies in the end. We all do.

Sometimes, respect is a hard thing to garner. Sometimes, respect is something that the only person who gives it is the one who has absolutely NO REASON to give it, other than coming to the conclusion that the abuser is just that much more powerful and full of fear, that it is better to offer respect rather than incite aggression, more abuse, or further damage done to the hearts of those involved. Sometimes, one person’s unwillingness to look at their own issues, can cause other people to have issues that weren’t there beforehand.

Trust and respect are elements that take work in maintaining relationships. Do you trust and respect your parents? What about your pastor? Your teacher? Your counselor? Do you trust and respect your neighbor? Your local politician? What about your president? Do you trust and respect your partner? Your children? Your siblings? Your friends?

I trust and respect myself. I trust myself to mess up. I trust myself to mess up and hurt others and then need to seek forgiveness. I trust myself to NEVER be “perfect,” never be entirely “sane” and never expect life to unfold the way intended. The best laid plans of mice and man ALWAYS turns into a rat race in the end. The good news? The rats are winning.

One more 24-hr period in front of me to get through without doing too much more damage in this already damaged world. One more 24-hr period in front of me to do the next right thing. One more 24-hr period in front of me to patiently wait for others to grow up and get over themselves enough to see the damage their decisions in life is causing those they love. The truth hurts when it comes out into the light of day.

Manipulators are quite often the MEN in our world who want to remain “the MAN’….and when a patriarchal abuser lands in a position of power and control over those who are easily MANipulated…watch out! There just may be a back-lash effect. HIStory has a track record. HERstory has really only just begun. Too bad, the men in our world have decimated the earth and our vulnerable children to the point of everyone crying out for a GOOD mother…a GOOD earth…maybe not “perfect”, but at least GOOD enough to set an example of what healthy looks like in a toxic world.

The average abuser may become toxic, not only to their family, but to their community and also to themselves. But, never to their young children who do not know how to differentiate extremely abusive behavior from reasonable loving behavior. The average abuser can also be a coach, a trainer, a teacher, and a “perfect” parent. The average abuser may never cuss, never travel, never do anything except sit at home and bark orders to those who have been trained to follow orders, “or else”….the average abuser may keep those over whom they have control from having contact with outside support systems that might expose their own abusive behavior by helping them face the facts.

Eliminating relationships between children and parents as a means of covering up past behavior is majorly abusive and should be considered a crime against humanity. Separating mothers from young children on trumped-up charges and then using a powerful social system to perpetuate the separation should be fixed immediately! Internal domestic terrorism is harder to detect in our society, than when the news highlights a situation and causes an uproar over illegal immigrants becoming separated.

Divorced parents in our country get separated from their children LEGALLY every single day, many to the point of having NO CONTACT whatsoever, solely due to the lies of the abuser with money, power, and control. Hire an unscrupulous lawyer and all bets are off. Lives become damaged, children’s relationships with once loving, VITAL parents can become erased, and then we have a whole new set of potentially screwed up citizens in the making to keep our abusive society running smoothly.

At least, my own children will have two very different parents from which to choose how to go through life and after which to pattern themselves. Both are highly functioning, highly productive, highly intelligent, highly talented, and want a better world for them than what they themselves experienced. I am certain that my own children will be just fine in this world. They know where I live should they ever want to come by and visit over a cup of coffee, or if they want to relax with lemonade or a beer.

I will pass on the alcohol and stick with what I know I can handle. Life on life’s terms is hard enough as it is, no reason to make it any harder by trying to mitigate it with anything that might kill me in the end. I want to live in a world where I believe most people aren’t out to intentionally end another person’s life. I have had plenty of threats in my almost fifty years of living. Some from the lips of those I once trusted to love and protect me. Some from the lips of those I still love and want to protect from this harsh world full of predators and abusers and aggressive patriarchs. Even matriarchs can become abusive. Even children can become abusive to their parents and then must learn to laugh at their behavior, and then laugh at their parent’s behavior, and then laugh at their grandparent’s behavior, and then laugh at their society’s behavior that supports it all.

Christians are the funniest people I know. That statement is oozing with sarcasm. Next to Atheists. Atheists are also very funny. Next to Atheist Wiccans who see nothing philosophically wrong with cannibalism. Scary funny. No airplane flights on the radar with those friends. Next to Muslims. Next to North Koreans. Next to teary-eyed American tattooed basketball stars wearing baseball caps with “Make America Great Again” pleading with our country to just TRUST our leader who suppresses women and children, wants all the pretty women in beauty contests, and for us ugly Madonna women to stay home and supply our nation with more young soldiers to keep our abusive nation running like those gold toilets we all want a chance in which to shit.

Usually, for an average abuser to continue operating in their abusive ways, there needs to be willing subjects who believe in and love the abuser enough to put up with the ill behavior. Most abusers use the typical, “don’t tell anyone” approach, and most young, trusting children who haven’t been through enough life, haven’t realized their OWN rights to draw boundaries and command respect from other fellow humans, are left with no recourse but to accept the terms of abuse. Especially, when the average abuser is a divorced parent with custody of them as young children.

When looking at divorce cases, there just might be a REASON why one party finally gathers up enough courage to “run away” from the other party. When the history of abusive families become uncovered, and then patterns of behavior are seen manifesting in the adult one used to believe was somehow exempt from being affected, it might be high time to escape before it costs you your very life.

No abuser is worth drinking yourself to death over. No abuser is worth becoming a doormat for, a sex slave, a scullery maid, or an emotional punching bag. No abuser should get one’s respect when the abusive behavior grows to such a point where the emotional trauma on the abuser’s target is allowed to continue and becomes protected by the very society and family into which the abuser moves, where no one knows the abuser’s background.

Manipulative abusers can pull the wool over and entire school system, and entire town, an entire state, an entire nation, and an entire world if they are believed and supported by enough people without any whistle-blowers to expose their behavior. Power and abuse can grow out of control when there is nothing to keep the abuser balanced and in check.

Look at Hitler. He began with good intentions; he wanted to make “his” race great again. Look at Charles Manson. He began with good intentions; he wanted to be a rock star. Look at most every schmoozing pastor, charismatic coach, school principal, power-hungry police officer, young romantic soldier, traumatized jaded veteran, over-loaded mother, over-stressed father, and professional-looking divorce lawyer out in our communities. Many of our average community members are average abusers, supporting an average abusive society and making an average living doing it. Some of them actually are the abusers themselves, using their positions of power and control to exert power and control over their intended targets. Some of them are “only” doing their jobs, so they can go to the next party, corporate dinner gathering, church service, or business meeting.

Sometimes, what happens behind closed doors, stays behind closed doors, until the ones who are abused get strong enough to speak out and say, “Enough!”

I have come to the conclusion in this screwed up world run amok by abusers with too much power and control in their hands, that if any of MY children ever end up being raised and abused by an abusive parent, step-parent, sibling, or future spouse…and survive long enough to grow up to become independent and strong because of it, I sure hope they remember where I live, so they can swing by and tell me all about it someday.

If any of my children ever become alcoholics, or God forbid, drug addicts, sex addicts, food addicts, greedy money-hungry workaholics, obsessive animal owners, sports fanatics, Botox barbies chasing after vain beauty, or the submissive wives to patriarchal wall-punching, fist-clenching, insecure little boys in huge, powerful bodies capable of rape…I hope they survive and run like hell to the nearest A.A. support group, N.A. support group, SAS support group, O.A. support group, or writer’s support group.

Good luck trying to find help from most professionals, especially if they have no money to fork over in exchange. Sometimes, going for a walk and taking one’s time to return is always an option. Usually, letting those who truly love and care about your future health and safety know where you are heading is always a good idea, just in case something happens to you along the way.

Eventually, you realize that those who love and care about you cannot control what you choose to do with your life. It is ALWAYS your life to do with what you want. Catching a vision for your future and then working for it is where the rubber hits the road. Especially, when other people putting up road blocks do not want to look at their own short-comings, emotional shit, and insecurities about losing those they love. Some people have such deep-seated insecurities that they think if someone knew how horrible and rotten of a person they have been, there would be no forgiveness extended their way and they might die all alone in this scary world.

Sometimes, we reach a point of realizing that we all end up dying alone in the end. We arrive alone. We become attached. We become un-attached. We arrive alone. We form new attachments. We become un-attached. We choose to maintain past attachments. We listen to other people’s lies. We tell ourselves lies. We eventually choose to forgive and repair, or let go and let heartache rule over those we love. Sometimes, we all grow up together. Sometimes, no one wants to grow up at all because growing up is scary and painful.

Sometimes, an abuser’s intended target learns to grow up with a good heart that becomes damaged and abused to the point of no return. Sometimes, their intended targets take on the concept of “what doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger.”

I am thankful that my children all have good, strong hearts…just like their parents and their grandparents before them. I am thankful that my children live in a country where we can all enjoy the freedom to speak out about issues where even angels fear to tread. I am thankful we live in such a time as this.

It also happens to be a time of heroes, villains, and victims. We get to choose how we see ourselves in the end. Everyone else gets to make their own choices as well. If we live through enough, and overcome enough, we might come to a place of maturity to see how much power we have when we become everything to everyone. One person’s hero is another’s villain. One person’s victory is another’s loss.

In divorced families, there is NEVER a win/lose…there is ONLY a win/win….or there is a lose/lose for the true victims who lose out on otherwise loving and nurturing vital relationships due to ONE abuser’s inability to deal with the reasons for the divorce in the first place.

Some days, if I could divorce myself from this entire world, I would. If I could divorce myself from myself, I would. If I could divorce myself from GOD, my ex-husband, my current husband, my children, my neighbors, my family and friends, my country, and my multi-faceted, multi-verse, universe in which I happen to exist from NO FAULT of my own, I would!

The problem with that is that I would miss seeing my children grow up and learn to be strong and smile. I would miss seeing my children and grandchildren grow up and learn to become independent and reach for their dreams and goals in life. I would miss getting to know what incredible people they already are, and they would miss getting to know that I ALREADY knew them before they even arrived on this planet.

They would miss getting to know how incredible and important their story is to the ongoing conversation humankind is having as they have fun growing up and going to the lake, playing sports, taking trips to Disneyland, watching movies and forming friendships and families. My children deserve to exist just as much as Trump’s and just as much as yours.

Someday, my children might save the life of one of your children. My children might grow up and marry one of your children. My genes may end up in one of your grandchildren’s…then OUR family stories will become blended into ONE story.