Where I Get My Comedy Material
Sometimes, I get my comedy material from material…literally. Hats, shoes, costumes, hairstyles, people watching. I love putting on costumes and assuming different attitudes that either contrast or go with them.
Here are some personal tips when developing comedy routines:
- Have an exaggerated sense of self-importance
Wear a hat fitting for the Queen of England. Make it as ridiculous as you possibly can. Wear it in public and act as if there is nothing out of place. Behave as if you are bestowing a gift of your presence just by being alive and unique, allowing everyone to get a glimpse of your magnificence. After all, you have every bit as much right to wear a ridiculous hat with dignity as the next legend in your own mind.
- Have a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration
Walk into establishments as if you already own the place and you are checking up on your subjects and how everything is being run to your satisfaction. Expect to be catered to and act affronted when you are not, especially if you are contributing to the success of whatever environment in which you are making your presence known. The very fact that you are out in public and not sequestered away in your castle should be enough to cause everyone around you to gasp in delight.
Give those around you constant and excessive admiration as well. Find something to admire, even if it is the color of their hair, or the way the light shines on their bald head. They are, after all, just waiting for you to give them your blessing and approval.
- Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
Don’t actually say anything about your achievements in life, but act shocked if other people don’t know who they are talking to, because you just assume everyone knows who you are, even when you are not famous, nor infamous. If you must aim for one or the other, try for fame and fortune, rather than infamous demise. Otherwise, remain calm and carry on with your plans to quietly introduce yourself one day to world powers as a peace delegate from Heaven and an angelic agent of God Almighty.
- Exaggerate achievements and talents
Play down your achievements and talents. When asked, answer honestly. Enjoy watching people’s mouths drop open as you name drop, casually mention outrageous situations and impossible accomplishments. Make wild claims that are true and say everything with a matter-of-fact expression on your face. Remind people that sometimes, truth is stranger than fiction.
- Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
Ask the other person about their fantasies, their ideal careers, how they would run the world, who they think is brilliant, what their most brilliant thought they’ve ever had is, and who they believe to be beautiful, or perfect, and why. Tell them your ideal mate likely died along with Chaucer or in the 1600’s as a romantic fool, but you believe in reincarnation. Tell them you can’t make up your mind between Jonathan Swift, Oscar Wilde, The Earl of Rochester, or Shakespeare as an ideal hot date. Ask them if they know what a sapiosexual is, and if they don’t sniff as if you are in the presence of a Neanderthal.
- Believe you are superior and can only associate with equally special people
Make everyone you meet feel like Jesus Christ in the flesh, even if they are homeless, penniless, uneducated, Neanderthals…the poor creatures might not be able to help it. Remind yourself that everyone eventually pushes up daisies along with the rest of humanity.
Tell them everyone is a descendant of royalty and ask them if they know what their lineage and title is in the hierarchy of humanity. Explain how you came into your own title after researching Ancestry.com
If that doesn’t begin an engaging conversation, then ask them if they believe in signs, miracles, and wonders.
- Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people you perceive as inferior
Make certain to spend a lot of time eavesdropping on conversations of those around you in order to find a reason to look down on them as “little people” who are inferior in their understanding of children, life-cycles, the ages of mankind, ancient, occultic knowledge of creative beginnings, Karma, comedy, satire, and more modern history. Nod your head with approval when you hear others discussing something other than the Rose Bowl, or the latest Hollywood, Bollywood gossip.
Feel empathy for those you cannot save or influence; be grateful if you get the chance to help them laugh at life and all of its tragic humor. Remember, most people will never see you again, and will hardly even think about you. They are mostly narcissists who are wrapped up in their own little lives and schedules; their own families and activities. The only time they will likely give you the time of day as an audience is if you give them something to laugh about, or some money in exchange for using up their time to teach them about subjects they aren’t really interested in anyway.
It is always best to let others approach you and your ridiculous hat, otherwise you might freak people out and they will get uneasy and unnerved.
- Expect special favors and unquestioning compliance with your expectations
Explain that you have a disability called “filter-flopperism” and will complain to everyone you meet about your ill-treatment if you do not get treated as special as they expect to get treated. Pout like a little baby and squeeze out a few tears. Stomp your foot if needed. Tell whoever is disappointing you that you are highly disappointed and will put their name in a poem or article for all the world to read.
Remember, only teachers, professors, police officers, judges, directors, certain parents, and narcissistic dictators expect unquestioning compliance and special favors.
- Take advantage of others to get what you want
When given the opportunity, inform others that you have been taken advantage of one too many times. You have been raped; beaten; treated like a scullery maid; used by churches as a submissive, blind follower; violently attacked by a stranger on drugs; almost killed in a couple of car-accidents due to other people’s inattention to stop signs and stop lights; brought close to death from hemorrhaging after your seventh childbirth; cheated on by a spouse after your eighth; locked out on a roof by a rebellious teenager; had your womb ripped out in an act of self-care only to almost die with a complete bowel obstruction; lost custody of your children while being lied about in court; and you are now a comedian with assassination plans for every dictator who ever even thought about telling you what kind of hat is appropriate to wear. Make sure you smile nicely and clarify that you are a pacifist with a degree in English and Creative Writing and you believe you could do something much more with your life than sort buttons in a button factory.
- Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
Have enough empathy for others to sit down, shut up, mind your own business, think and write about whatever your fanciful imagination wants, and go away when you discover nobody has any empathy for your needs and feelings. Continue to see irony and comedy in as much as you can in life. Take notes about other people’s ridiculous hats and hairstyles. Enjoy them all.
- Be envious of others and believe others envy you
Be thankful you are not anyone else except yourself. Be thankful your hat is so ridiculous that nobody would even think about wearing it. Be thankful that your life is so ridiculous that nobody would even want to be you, or be anything like you. Nobody wants your bucket list…because nobody wants to be a barely published poet, and a real-live witch with red hair, who has cleaned Snow White’s bathroom for thirty dollars after she moved in across the street a few months after allowing a schizophrenic man with autism who believes he is Satan live under your roof for eight months. Nobody wants to be in your shoes. Oh, yeah, make sure your shoes are almost as striking as your hat.
Be thankful you aren’t one of the several hundred people you can think of who are dead, addicted to illicit drugs, incarcerated, or grieving the death of a child or close family member, or who are so far in debt, they can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel.
Then, remind yourself you are so far in debt, you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, but you enjoy giving away houses, being coerced to sign papers, and lied about in the court of law. Grieve your losses, cry alone at home, wipe your nose on your sleeve and get back up on stage.
- Behave in an arrogant or haughty manner, coming across as conceited, boastful and pretentious
Only do this when impersonating the Queen or your ex-mother-in-law who came from England. Watch a few episodes of “Keeping Up Appearances” to brush up on arrogance and self-importance. Pronounce average words with ridiculous flair, but then switch to talking about philosophy and use obscure words and terminology with a hillbilly accent like you’re nothing but a dumb-shit hick. Order a glass of “Pee-not Nor” or “Pee-not Griss” and tell people to be more “Pacific” when discussing details of the finer arts of living well and how brilliant you thought the buyer of the $120,000 dollar banana duct taped to a wall is in honoring a true artist. Not everyone can create a banana from scratch and make such a bold statement of potassium perfection!
- Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office
Tell yourself that driving a beaten up old vehicle is cool. So is shopping at thrift stores, and wearing the same clothes you’ve had for decades. Only replace what wears out, just like your parents did as products of the Great Depression. Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without!
Do not do these things:
- Become impatient or angry when you don’t receive special treatment
I mean, really? Everyone else is more special than you…you are one of billions of hungry little humans on this earth, all vying for a special spotlight.
- Have significant interpersonal problems and easily feel slighted
If you feel slighted, remember…you are love-able just as you are, even without your hat and shoes, and if others aren’t as love-able and kind, it’s not about you! They might have mommy and daddy issues, insecurity issues, guilt or unfounded fears. If you have thin skin, don’t become a comedian or a poet. Not everybody appreciates poetry or comedians.
- React with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make yourself appear superior
Familiarity breeds contempt. Keep the rage to the page and let it simmer down to a slow boil when narcissists treat you with contempt and when they belittle, abuse, use, and take advantage of you and all of your talents and creativity.
- Have difficulty regulating emotions and behavior
Don’t be surprised when other people around you have difficulty regulating emotions and behaviors. Some people are on drugs, or they are full of rage and anger at not being able to dictate to you what kind of hat and shoes you wear. Judges especially do not take kindly to the wearing of non-conservative costumes into the court of law. They might feel threatened or disrespected if you don’t look and act exactly as they think a properly educated, socially acceptable, modern-day woman and mother should. Today’s acceptable body shape is made out of money, honey!
Rich people are “nice” because they get to dictate the behaviors and words of those who are oppressed and poor. Moderate, admire, and mimic rich people who are clueless when it comes to understanding narcissism. Most rich people are narcissists who make their world all about them and their bank account.
- Experience major problems dealing with stress and adapting to change
Remember, the ONLY thing constant is change. When your change runs out due to power and control issues of the narcissists in your life, and your financial stress, your emotional stress from being misunderstood reaches it’s peak, it is time to do some self-care and change your hat, drink a glass of water, change your circle of friends, change your behavior and thoughts, or shit yourself and dump a load in the bathroom. Be thankful you didn’t get stuck in road construction with a bowel obstruction forever or you would have died if you couldn’t go to the bathroom after a narcissist was elected as your president.
- Feel depressed and moody because you fall short of perfection
Perfection is for ballerinas, queens, princesses, bride-zillas, madonnas, models, photographers, judges, chefs, editors, English teachers, and narcissists who act like they are dictators in the military.
Suppression can lead to Oppression, which can lead to Depression. Depression is just anger turned inward. Civil wars can break out due to citizens experiencing a Great Depression in their society. Moods shift and change like the weather.
Find creative outlets that are productive, rather than destructive…stay away from destructive street drugs and the people who take them. Most drug users are extreme narcissists and will think nothing of harming someone else or even killing them because they are screwed up in the head.
- Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation
Be open about your feelings of insecurities…that is why we invented clothing, private bathrooms, and locks on our bedroom doors, right? Generally, civilized humans don’t poop in the streets like dogs or pee on potatoes in grocery stores like toddlers who aren’t potty trained. We generally don’t run around playing God over other people’s lives, taking liberties and violating personal boundaries and human rights to live freely and at peace with one another, right?
Every single human being is born into this world as a vulnerable child, and humiliation eventually turns into humility if you are not TRULY a narcissist living in a nation crammed full of blind professionals puffed up with willful ignorance, ridiculous assumptions, and self-satisfaction at the expense of those creative artists whom they look down upon.
And, remember. A thousand years from now…who’s gonna care what kind of ridiculous hat or fashion choice you wore? Wear whatever hat or mimic whatever persona you want…life is too short not to be a little ridiculous!